Because I Kind of Stink at Change

I think I needed to take a break... because I sure have been taking one!

I've been spending a lot of time with my family. I've been remembering just how day-changing gift-counting, eucharisteo and picture-taking were for me and I am going back to those basics. It's a perfect time too... spring has arrived in California!

We are moving in less than two weeks, the church I've called home for over 12 years just merged with another church in a different city, and my husband hits the streets for the first time tonight. I knew I didn't handle change well, and this month is just confirming how terrible I am at it.

I am giving myself permission to hide out for a bit even if it means leaving things undone (I still have a post for the Crazy Obedience series and an interview I'd planned to share). I think sometimes you just need to give yourself permission to grieve the things that are no longer. (Thank you reader who offered that bit of personal advice... I could sense God's words to me in it!)

"I'm a MOOOOSE, Momma."

I just wanted to let you know I'm still here. I pray for you all. And I probably need your prayers too.

I have been praying through some new things for here, like a domain change (something much simpler), an ebook that I am hoping to offer for free, and some ways that I could earn a little money writing/blogging.

My Handsome Men. Jed's looks are changing... bittersweet. Looking more and more like a boy, less and less like a baby.

 
I am wondering if I could ask you: Would you want to read a book on a spirit of heaviness (i.e. depression--you know, that feeling of being overwhelmed by life and/or motherhood, like you can't get anything right, like you just feel weary all the time...) and daily ways to conquer it?? Something that has short, sweet and very accessible devotions with a daily challenge? Could I ask you to tell me your honest thoughts? (Thank you in advance!)

I've started writing again so I hope to see you soon... though it is quite possible I may need to wait till after the move. :)

Writing in the SUN! Thankful for the warm weather :)

 
You are loved and missed!

By Grace,
Amanda Conquers

I was trying to capture my daughter dancing in what I thought would make for some artsy lighting. When I looked back through the pictures, I discovered my daughter doing the butt-wiggle at me. What a ham! :)

In Which I Fess Up...

So today, I need to fess up.

"Hi. My name is Amanda. And I am struggling with 'Crazy Obedience'."

Before I started this series, I had some doors open in my family’s life. And now we are walking in those realities. And I’m struggling.

Two weeks ago, I sat in on a stress management and the law enforcement career class with my husband. It felt like I slammed into the brick wall of reality of what it means to be a cop and a cop’s wife. 

In the midst of this, we have some major church changes on the horizon, I have some decisions to make about my involvement in the church, and it is time for us to move to a larger place. 

3 big moves in the same month. And what I thought I would be excited over… I am terrified about. I am like Peter, who upon getting out of the boat and walking on water to Jesus, glances at the wind and becomes full of fear. Amanda of little faith… here I have opened these doors, performed miracles, am full in your life… and you are afraid of wind?!  Why do you doubt?

And don’t get me wrong, I am excited for my husband. I see the passion for bringing justice and peace stirring in him. I guess I feel paralyzed with fear. How will being a cop change Mike? Will I be the wife that he needs me to be? How will it affect our kids and the way we parent? How will it challenge our marriage?

And then there’s the pity party, I am in the midst of throwing: This isn’t how I saw my life going, God. I never wanted to be a cop’s wife. And what about all the dreams you placed in my heart? How could you possibly work them out now? 

What I once sensed God calling me towards, I just straight don’t feel like doing. 

Apparently I don’t handle change well. (At. All.)

I want the control back. I don’t want to trust. I want to know the end result. 

I think of some of the things I wrote while I was doing the Waiting Room series awhile back:

“I have been wrestling. I am fighting God. I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to leave my dreams alone. I want to hold on to what used to be. I don’t want to move forward. I am afraid. Without realizing it, I am closing my hand and throwing my fist at God, and telling Him this isn’t good enough. 
 

I don’t want to let go of my dreams. I don’t want to die. 

And here it is: 

          “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit” (John 12:24, NASB).

I am clinging to the “what if’s” instead of God. What if it doesn’t work out? What if we fail? What if you never raise my dreams to life, God?

 

I am nothing like Abraham who left his country for a place that was yet unknown to him. I want to know where I am going and exactly what it’s going to look like. I want guarantees… and I guess I have to admit that apparently the Bible and God's promises suddenly became not good enough.

I have allowed the enemy to mess with me, and, for the past two weeks, I have clammed up. I don’t know how to talk about it with friends. I don’t want to do anything. My house is a wreck. I am not being the kind of mother I want to be. I am battling depression. {Actually it would probably be more accurate to say depression showed up and I welcomed it in. I am not battling it.}

And I am not exactly sure where to go from here.

But I do know that the enemy loves to dwell in darkness. His lies appear as truth in darkness. We feel isolated in darkness. 

So I am bringing it to the light. Here it is. I am broken. I am unsure. I am afraid. I need my Savior. I need you too.

I am a girl who set out to bring you all a series on Crazy Obedience because I heard God’s prompting. Turns out, the whole series might have just been for me. I need to walk in Crazy Obedience.

So that said, remember how I may have mentioned that I was going to wrap up the series with some interviews and testimonies? And remember how I said I have been depressed and haven’t done much of anything? Yeah. God asked me to. I’ve been lazy. I am going to finish what I started, even if it is a week later than planned. I have a feeling God wants to speak to me through it (and maybe you too).

Thanks so much for listening. 

By Grace,

Amanda Conquers

To read all the posts in the series, click the graphic.

An Interview with Kat Lee {A Crazy Obedience Post}

This week for the Crazy Obedience series, I get to share a few real life stories from real life people who are living real lives of Crazy Obedience.

A few weeks back I attempted to calm some stomach-in-my-throat nerves, took a big gulp, and emailed Kat Lee. God so put her on my heart as someone I wanted to interview and ask about her life and what Crazy Obedience means to her. She emailed me back in less than 15 minutes.


I met Kat Lee at the Allume conference. I had no idea who she was until some of my fellow small bloggers used very hushed tones to inform me who that blogger was that I kept running into, "That's Kat Lee of Hello Mornings and InspiredToAction!" I replied with a very cool, "Oh," as though I knew exactly what all that was (I didn't).

I ended up taking her break out session at Allume, "How to Change the World during Naptime." I was inspired by her passion for Jesus and for empowering women to change their corner of the planet. I will never forget sitting in the break-out when someone asked her about earning an income blogging or with e-books. Kat Lee responded with a very meek, "I do it all for free. I do it because I love it and I believe in it and it's what God is asking me to do." This woman is the real deal! (And by the way, you can check out her FREE ebooks at her blog, InspiredToAction. They might just change you and your mornings ;)


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1. Would you tell us a little bit about your family? 

My husband Jimmy and I have been married for almost 14 years. Wow. I don't quite feel old enough for that to be true but it is. He is amazing. Strong, steady, wise - just what a man should be. I'm so thankful for him.

We have three kids. Two girls and a boy. We joke that he has three mothers.

My oldest girl is 10 and she is passionate. That is an immense challenge and profound blessing all wrapped up into one. I feel as though I've been given a superhero to raise and sometimes I'm not quite sure I'm doing her justice. But God is good and gracious, and I trust he will fill in all my gaps and use her incredible gifts for His glory. I love the deep conversations we are able to have about life and faith.

My youngest daughter is 8 and I think she is more responsible than I am. She is sweet and steady like her father. Her hugs are like Kryptonite against my ability to get her to bed on time. She is snuggly and adorable - with an inner strength that is not to be messed with.

My little boy is 5 and he is a handful of awesomeness. He has every female in our home wrapped around his little finger. He wants to be a doctor so that he can fund is race car driving career. 


2.  If, say, your parents took the kids for an hour, your husband was away working, and you had no obligations… how would you spend that hour of time?

If I was home alone…I'd play my favorite songs really loudly and play along on my guitar. Since my husband works from home, I'm rarely ever anywhere by myself. Not that I'm complaining. I LOVE that he is at home with us, but those rare occasions when I can turn music up loudly and be entirely by myself - those are quite the treat.


3.  What is the one “mom-job” you totally stink at or strongly dislike?

Cleaning. Particularly maintenance cleaning. If I'm going to clean, I'd rather clean up a disaster area that gives me a before and after transformation feeling of satisfaction. It's hard for me to clean…just to keep it clean. Weird, I know.


4.  What are your top 2 biggest fears?

Heights and throwing up. Consequently, I don't do carnival rides.


5.  Why do you do what you do online?

I love, love, love to encourage people. I love the idea of God using my simple words to ignite something in peoples' hearts that fuels change in their lives and their homes.


6.  Would you be willing to give us a glimpse into your walk with God? How does He speak to you? How do you “stay fresh?”

Honestly, I feel I hear Him best when I'm running or doing dishes. I can be a "Doer" - an energizer bunny that just keeps going and thinking. But when I'm running or doing dishes, my brain is quiet enough to listen.

I also love music and connect with God in the midst of worship.

I think the key for me, is just to take time to be still and listen for Him. He is always speaking.


7.  I would love to hear you define Crazy Obedience in your own words. What does it mean to you?

I think Crazy Obedience is doing something that doesn't make sense apart from God. It's doing something that can only be seen clearly through a lens of faith.


8. Can you think of a time when God asked you to do something that didn’t make sense to you?? Would you share what He asked of you? How did it turn out?

Actually, starting InspiredToAction was a step of crazy obedience for me. I knew God wanted me to focus the site on motherhood - helping and encouraging moms. But I never even knew my mom, and there are few things I know less about than motherhood. I had no idea what I was doing. But God knew I was passionate about it, and He has used it powerfully.

He used the blog to orchestrate my spot a Compassion bloggers trip to the Philippines so that I could meet my mother's family for the first time.

I love how He took my place of weakness and fear and used it as a story of His redeeming grace and goodness.


9.  I know you are a stay at home mom, as am I and many of my readers. We have talked about how crazy obedience can also be found in being intentional in each opportunity. Sometimes as a mom, it feels like our opportunities are few. How do you share Jesus and make disciples with kiddos and school and sports and dinner and cleaning and everything else a mom does in her day?? Is there anything you do (or don’t do) that you are very intentional about?

I'm in a season right now where I am very intentional about relationships. I want my children to see my relationship with God as I read the Word each morning. I want to bring them alongside and show them what walking with God throughout the day looks like (as best I can).

I also want to make sure that I always surround myself with a Paul, Barnabas and Timothy - people I'm learning from, walking with and investing in.

All the knowledge and books will never replace the value of one on one investment. By focusing on my daily connection with God, my kids and others I'm weaving accountability and mentoring into my day to day life. It's not always simple and it often requires me to step outside of my comfort zone, but the return on this simple investment has been profound.

It's not exactly wild, bold, move-across-the-world crazy obedience but I believe it's what God has called me to in this season of life. I want to intentional show my children how to lay the foundation to hear God and cultivate relationships that push us closer to Him.
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I loved how Kat defined Crazy Obedience. I also loved the story she shares in #8. Did you catch that? Talk about God using something that didn't make sense at the time and turning it around for His Glory and as a means of blessing!

What stood out to you as you read the interview??


By the way, um... if you haven't checked out HelloMornings or InspiredToAction... Do.That.Now. :)


By Grace,
Amanda Conquers


To read all the posts in the series, click the graphic.

I Jumped...

As a child I was painfully shy and had a hard time making friends. I remember one time in kindergarten; I got this idea that would change my friendless future. I would make a club!

I told all the girls in my class, “I am starting a club and it’s going to be super fun. No boys are allowed.” 

Girls from my class began flocking to me. “What are we going to do, Amanda?”

My response came out hesitantly; I really hadn’t thought it out that far. “We are… are… going to play jump rope!” And after a few minutes of jump rope, I declared, “Now we are going to… to… play link arms and take turns being the leader!”

After a few minutes of the follow-the-leader game one of the girls looked at me and said, “This game is stupid. What else can we do in your club?”

I couldn’t think. I was out of ideas. I stood there dumbfounded until another girl piped up, “Your club is boring. I’m going to start a way better and cooler club.” And just like that my 10 minutes in the sun ended. Every single girl left my club for the better and cooler club, and I was right back where I started, all alone.
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I think somewhere deep down in my heart of hearts, I worry my whole life will be like this. Trying and failing. I worry I will step out on one of the ideas that God’s placed in my heart, and He won’t meet me there. I worry someone will discover how flawed I am, how I don’t have all the answers, how I really don’t have any clue what I am doing other than that I think I am following Christ.

Perhaps even more difficult than the listening, than the obeying, is the now-what part of following Christ. “I did it, God. I heard You. I obeyed You. Now where are You? You are going to show up, right? You are going to catch me, right?”

I think of Peter who, upon seeing Jesus walking on the water, zealously asks if he can join Him. Peter gets out of the boat, he walks on water (WALKS on WATER!)… and then he sees the wind. Peter’s faith wavers. He wonders what he’s doing. He wonders what will happen. The what-ifs have a chance to catch up with him.

I got out of the boat. Now what?

Peter begins sinking, and as Jesus lifts him out of the water he asks, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

Why do I doubt?

I’ve heard God. I’ve obeyed. And I worry He won’t see it through. I worry I will fail. I worry the storms of life will consume me or my family.

Jesus is in front of Peter. With him. And Jesus is before me. With me.

I am still the insecure girl worried that I am going to get left alone, that I am going to fail, that God won’t do what He promised.

I am like Peter, scared of wind.

In those moments I see the way I haven’t really surrendered myself. Because if I had surrendered my life, placed it fully in Christ’s hands, I wouldn’t doubt. I wouldn’t try to pick my life back out of Christ’s hands. I would allow Christ to have His timing, His way, His outcome. My eyes would stay set on Him.

Not only do you need to believe that God can… but you have to believe that God can in YOU, and through YOU.

Crazy obedience is releasing control. It’s letting go of past failures, mistakes and heartaches.

I give God my life.

And then it’s His.

“It is not I who lives but Christ who lives in me.”

As I think of this idea of taking a leap of faith, I think of the phrase “falling in love.” Faith is jumping even when you aren’t 100% sure of the outcome. Faith is trusting that God will catch you. And the more times I free-fall from my will into His, the deeper I fall in love with Jesus.

He. Has. Always. Been. With. Me.

And I am fallingin love with Him.

Amen.

By Grace,

Amanda

Photo Credit

Click the graphic to see all the posts in the series.

Five Ways to Leave a Legacy

 
I have this desire inside me to leave behind something that endures. Passing on to my children something that they can pass on to their kids that their kids can pass on to their kids. (I think you get it.) Legacy is a passing-it-on that keeps on getting passed on.

I think of all the ways God has been faithful, the way God rescued me, showered me in the riches of His love and mercy. I want my kids to know that they know that God is good, that He loves them, that He is faithful, that He is the greatest place to put all their hopes. I want that to be passed on.

I don’t just want the idea that God is faithful to get passed on, I want the specific times and places and ways too. God is writing my story, and my story is a part of their story.
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Join me over here where I am sharing a little of my own family history and 5 ways I am intentionally leaving a legacy that points to Christ. I would love to see you there!

A few weeks back Becky from Daye by Daye asked for guest posts on leaving a legacy. I knew God wanted me to share. I met Becky at the Allume conference when I was having one of my introverted moments. She plopped down next me and started a conversation. True to introvert form, we skipped the small talk and were instantly talking of life and trials and God. She was an instant friend and such a kindred spirit. I am so glad she decided to sit next to this occasional loner!  

When Everything You Do Feels Really Small...

I am a part of a discipleship group. We meet about once a week. There are 11 of us (5 couples and one young man whose love is away at school). A few weeks ago we talked about ways we can make disciples. We talked about intentional conversations and when and where to have them. We all took a one week challenge to try to have at least one of these conversations (you know, like the grocery clerk tells you her son is sick and you take the opportunity to insert Jesus into that conversation and pray with her.)

I didn’t have a single one of those conversations that week.

And I began to feel guilty. You’re going to do this series called crazy obedience and you can’t have one conversation about Jesus, Amanda?!

Can I just say this? It seems really hard to be a crazy-obedient, disciple-making, Jesus-follower when you are a stay-at-home mom in the thick of cheerios, don’t talk with your mouth full, please don’t climb the bookshelf son, yes I will take you to the park, dishes, dinner, and bedtime… the part of motherhood that is so full of joy and kisses but also full of busy-at-home work.

So before hurdling myself headfirst into the throws of you’re-not-good-enough, you’ll-never-get-it-right… I made a list. I began thinking of every intentional and obedient thing I had done that week, no matter how small it might have looked. 

• When my kids and I drove by a home with an ambulance and we saw a stretcher going into the home, we prayed out loud for that family and the EMT’s.
• I sat and listened instead of rushing off when someone clearly needed to share their troubles...even though I was already late.
• I took a coffee to a friend and we spent time fellowshipping and encouraging each other.
• I took my kids on a few walks to the park. One time, we invited a new friend to join.
• I extended grace and spoke kindly to a slow grocer clearly having a rough day.
• I asked my husband for a few hours away so I could spend time with God.
• I made sure I text a reminder to a girl who had reached out to me and wanted to go to church.
• I scheduled help in the preschool class at church even though it was my week because I just really needed to be in service.
• I asked two teenage girls to sit by me at church.
• I looked people in the eyes and smiled at them when I was about my weekly errands.
• I brought my husband into my struggles and decisions. I allowed him to be the head of this family.

Let’s not compare lists, my gifts are different than yours, my life, my call… but do you see it? Little things done with intention.  Little things that could become big things… if God wills it.

Crazy obedience isn’t just Abraham’s moment, “Get you to a land that I will show you…” It was the daily walking it out too, the little steps in his journey. When we tell God, “Anything,” I can just about guarantee that at some point you will have a big moment, a moment that will terrify you, that won’t make much sense, a moment where you fully need God to show up because whatever it is is far too big for just you… and then there are the little daily moments. Moments that might feel insignificant,  but moments where you have the chance to practiceobedience. 

{I do believe obedience is a practice.}

Each one of those little moments with your kids help grow them into a disciple and future disciple maker.

Each one of those little conversations with the people in the grocery line has the potential for God to enter it and alter you both.

Each one of those enjoyable conversations with a friend encourages and fills you both up.

Crazy obedience is living with your life open to God, living each moment as though God could show up... and, really, He is here with me, with you. And God doesn't look at the size of the obedience... He looks at the heart. It isn't about having something to prove that you really are a follower of Christ, it's about walking in-step with Christ and trusting Him each step of the journey. Sometimes the craziest thing you can do is know that God wants you and is proud of you even when you feel like everything you do is so small. (Remember grace isn't earned.) Little acts of obedience done with God grow into big things.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin…” Zechariah 4:10

Do you ever feel insignificant or like you just do a small thing? Have you read some of this series and wondered if you could ever really be “crazy obedient?” Maybe consider writing your own list of everything you do with intention this week?

By Grace,

Amanda

Click the graphic to see all the posts in this series.

The One Thing That Will Always Get in the Way of Crazy Obedience

What if I get it wrong? 

This question often plagues me as I raise my children, as I write my blog posts, as I share the gospel following a prompting to bring God into my conversation. I worry that something I think God is asking me to do will end in a whole lot of laughter on the other person’s part, “Seriously, you thought God would heal me? I’m not even sick. You don’t hear God at all!”

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I was 18 years old, a freshman in college. I was serving as a leader in the youth ministry and co-leading a girl’s Bible study. I really, really, really wanted to find “the one” and get married. One night, after leaving a college-age Bible study, I was driving home, and the thought crossed my mind, “What if Jake is God’s will for my life?” In fact, I thought God told me that Jake was the man I would marry. 

That revelation was followed by a year-long rocky relationship that was stopped 6 months before our would-be wedding. 

I remember trying to force that relationship. I remember thinking something was wrong with me when I didn’t find Jake attractive. I must struggle with lust or something. Or what if I’m some kind of prude? I really thought I was following God’s plan for my life.

I thought Jake believed I was the one. I thought my pastor’s believed we were supposed to be together. I thought that since I had once been told I would marry a minister that surely that meant Jake was it—he was a youth pastor after all. 

I remember when I broke it off. I can’t describe the sense of freedom that I felt, the clarity after all that confusion. Jake thought I was cold and heartless, I felt like I had just been released from prison.

As sure as I was that I was not supposed to marry Jake, I had once been so sure that God wanted me to marry him. I really thought I heard God. Inside me, this lurking underlying question plagued me: If I thought I heard God tell me Jake was “the one,” and Jake really isn’t, then how can I know whether I am hearing God’s voice or not? What if I don’t really hear Him? What if I keep getting it wrong?

It felt like my faith had been shattered.

It felt like the ground I had been standing on was shaking beneath my feet.

Besides the way that God shaped my perception about this elusive “the one” that I had been seeking after so desperately (I do believe that’s a conversation for another time), God did a work in my heart. I might have felt like my faith was shattered, but it was really my pride. I learned so much in the aftermath of the collision of my pride with God’s Ways.

• I got to see the way God can work all things together for His glory, even my missteps. God IS that Big. God used this painful place in my life to work a miracle. (You can read about it here.)
• God never left me. In fact, the closer I got to my wedding day, the louder God’s warnings were. Somehow, it solidified in me just how much I can trust God. Even if I get it wrong, His love does not fail. He is relentless in His pursuit of me.  
• I got to see the way my pride stood in the way of me and God. I wanted to trust in my own ability to hear God. I wanted to be able to make sense of what I thought God told me. Deep down, I wanted to be in control.I wanted everything to appear nice on the surface, more than I wanted the deep-down, soul-touching-spirit part of me to be okay.
• I saw just how flawed and imperfect I am. And with that I saw God wrap me up in the everlasting arms of His Grace.
• I learned God's Will isn’t something you need to prove to God, but rather something He will prove to You.
• I learned to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling.
• Knowing what it's like to walk out-of-step with God makes it a whole lot easier to know what it is to walk in-step with God.

The part where I am prone to getting it wrong makes me lean all that much closer into Jesus. With each misstep, my pride shrinks. I know how much I need my Savior. I cling to Him.

I can’t save the world. I didn’t come with that power. Only Jesus.

I might get it wrong and feel like a complete idiot, but this is where I lay it down and say, “Not for my glory, but for His Glory.”

This girl who really likes to be right is learning to release that need and just stay low. Stay willing. Stay close.

I am but as Heidi Baker says, “just His vessel in the dirt.” I am but earth and clay and it is when I am low and humble that I can shine for Him. I have to pick up my cross daily and follow Him. I have to battle my pride daily. Pride will always get in the way of crazy obedience.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves." 1 Corinthians 4:7

"If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm." Psalm 37:23

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights."
Habakkuk 3:19

By Grace,

Amanda Conquers

Photo Credit

To read all the posts in the series, click the graphic.