For Those Hurt by the Church

 “For we know in part and we prophecy in part… For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will fully know fully just as I also have been fully known.” I Corinthians 13:9,12

When I was 17, I began a relationship with the youth pastor. Jake was 21 and brand spanking new at leading a youth ministry. I was young, I knew that there was a “call” on my life to leadership and ministry, and, if I am perfectly honest, I was completely mesmerized by the idea that a youth pastor was interested in me.

To condense a two-year story into a couple lines, we dated for a few months, I broke it off, we started dating again 6 months later, Jake proposed in front of the entire church, we were engaged for 9 rocky months, and then I broke it off for good.

It’s 10 years later and I still remember sitting in the living room of my older and wiser friend, Carla. Jake was out of town, Carla's husband was out of town, so naturally we had a sleep over. Donned in pajamas and feet up on her couch, I found myself pouring out the difficultly of my relationship with Jake. I asked her if before she got married she ever found her husband unattractive or if they fought a lot. She looked at me with wide-eyes. “Oh, Amanda, David and I may fight occasionally now that we have been married for 4 years, but, when we were dating, I wanted to be with him every second, found him good-looking, sexy.” She paused, her voice lowering as she felt the weight of the words about to come out of her mouth. “Amanda, that’s not what it’s supposed to be like.” Carla’s bold words gave me freedom. I saw it. My young mind may have believed Jake to be “God’s Will” for my life, but her words caused me to look back and see all the times that God had gently been trying to lead me out of that relationship. Jake was not what God had for me.

I took the matter to prayer and a week later broke off the engagement. It was not a pretty break up. Jake was the youth pastor. I was a youth leader. I hurt him. He hurt me. It was ugly. 

I am not quite sure how to put the pain I experienced during that break up into words. Jake abused his position. He abused the pulpit. He flashed around his victim card automatically making me the bad guy. I started seeing Jake when I first started going to the church. I had only ever been his girlfriend or fiancé, and now I walked around with a scarlet H for “oh most wretched Heart-breaker of the Holy man.” Without rehashing the gory details, bottom line: a youth pastor, ex-fiance or not, should not have been able to behave the way that he did, moping and moaning about the girl who broke his heart to anyone who would had ears… even once using the pulpit to air his pain. I was still on his staff and I still went to his church.  

Disclaimer: It’s not like I was completely innocent or anything, there were a couple times when I took out all the ugly in me (and him) and strung it up on the clothes line to dry in a way that only a bitter and hot-tempered woman could… in some very inopportune moments (like in front of interns or right before a youth service). And that isn’t mentioning my once flirtacious nature that no doubt tormented Jake’s broken heart. 

It was not a smooth break up. At. All. And while it may be difficult for me to paint a fair portrait of the entire ordeal, we were both in need of Grace. And it does not matter who needed the most Grace; it didn’t then, and it doesn’t now. Ugly is ugly, and God’s Grace is sufficient for it all.

I wanted to leave the church. I wanted to go where no one knew my name. I wanted to go where the youth pastor hadn’t colored the picture of me, where my side of the story could be heard, where I wasn’t the black widow, she-woman man-eater that wooed men in with her good looks and witty humor only to stab them in the heart and leave them bleeding. I wanted a clean slate, a fresh start.

God asked me to stay.

It was one of the hardest, most uncomfortable, and most awkward times of my life. It took years to get over the pain that Jake caused me in the months that followed our break-up. It took years to get over the hurt that the church caused me through all of this. BUT…

BUT.

God is Just, and God redeems. In staying, I got to see the God of Justice redeem my name. I got to see Truth win out. In being the despised one, I challenged my pastor, Jake, and the rest of the church to learn how to love me, and, even better, I learned how to love me. I met and fell in love with my husband at my church. And it’s not just the meeting him that I got out of being obedient to God’s call to stay; God used the entirety of this ugly situation to keep Michael and me hidden from each other until the exact perfect moment. Mike thought I was, well, evil for breaking his youth pastor’s heart. I, well, didn’t think of him at all. Three years after the break up God gave us both a fresh set of eyes. We got to have a grand romance—in sweeping whirlwind fashion—that I wouldn’t even consider trading for a smooth and rosy-colored church history. God transformed me so completely, that when I walked down that aisle to promise my life to Michael, the woman who broke Jake’s heart was not present. 

 “And every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit”

God pruned me with the shears of humility. He used the sharpness of someone I had hurt to cut out the pride in me. It hurt. It was not some quick process. It took years.

God used all that pain and injustice for good.

I keep hearing on the internet and in life of people who are giving up on the church. I hear people talk of needing fresh starts. I hear people talk of wanting a different church because the one they are at doesn’t “feed” them or they’ve been hurt by it. I have heard stories of injustices wrought by the church. I hear of abuses caused at the hand of those in authority. It’s terrible. Surely the church shouldn’t inflict pain. And I don’t have all the answers. But I know that God is able to use it all for good. ALL. I am not pretending to know what God would have you to do, but I will submit this: God uses the church. God’s Grace floods the most painful places in our lives. God is able to redeem. Restore. His Grace can cover it all.

Yes, church is messy. But we were made for each other. We need each other. We need each other’s brokenness too. Perhaps it is that God uses the broken edges of people’s lives to prune away the pride in our own. We need to work out our faith, our hope, and our love (especially love) in the midst of people who are occasionally rotten and rotten to us. We can only see in part this side of eternity, each one of us a part, and a part of the body of Christ. Some parts crying out, “Grace!” Some crying out, “Righteousness!” Some crying out, “Justice!” All of us crying out for the day when our hearts can truly be home, all needing the other parts to get as close as we can to the whole, seeing as best as we can through the mist. We were made for each other.

Will you give Him the messy circumstances? The pain that has been unjustly brought to you? Will you allow God to work it all together for good? Or will you allow the devastating places in your life and the rotten people to rob you of the good that God is able to bring you? Will you allow it to harden your heart so that you are unable to receive, unable to see, unable to hear? It may take years. It most likely will hurt. But, oh, dear friends, He loves YOU. He is Gentle. And He is Able.


By Grace, 

Amanda Conquers

All names have been changed.

Boys, Birthdays, and Bow Ties

I'm back! And so is Made Monday! Even though I didn't technically go anywhere for vacation, I certainly feel refreshed and focused. Plus I got to spend time with my family and even the husband. We had 3 "Daddy Home Days" as Addy would call them. And by the way, less than 3 months remain till my husband graduates from his program! Yee! I am excited. And ready!


Anyways... now, about this Made Monday post...


I had finally gotten around to working my budget. It's not pretty. This happened to coincide with my son's 1st birthday. Needless to say, I had no money to buy him a birthday outfit. Which is okay. It's not necessary. But seriously, all he has is hand-me-downs. And deep down in this mother heart of mine I really wanted to do something special.

If you ever find yourself wanting to deck your little boy out in all manner of cuteness but have zero dollars to do this with, I have 5 words for you:

Make. Him. A. Bow. Tie.

(Or: Tell. One. Of. His. Grandmas. Also five words, and this will most likely do the trick too.)

All you need is 20-50 minutes of time (depending on your sewing skill level), scrap fabric (I used a hand-me-down shirt that was too stained to be worn as a shirt), scrap interfacing, about a foot of elastic, and thread.

Here's the instructions in pictures (I will add some written out ones with more detail after the jump.)

1. Find fabric. You will need to determine the size you want your bow tie and add a 1/2" seam allowance to the length and width measurements.

      My measurements:

• Bow Tie: 4 1/2" x 3" (2 pieces needed)
• Hold-Together piece: 1 1/2 x 6 (I cut this on the bias so my bow tie would have some added visual interest with a change in the direction of the print. By the way, I have no idea what this piece of fabric is technically called, so I made up a word for it: hold-together piece. I know, super sophisticated and technical, right?! Ha!)
• Interfacing: 4 x 2 1/2 (2 pieces needed)
• Elastic: 13"

2. Put two bow tie pieces together (right sides together) and sew with a 1/4" seam allowance the whole way around... BUT leave an inch unsewn in the middle of one of the longer sides. Sew the hold-together piece by folding in half lengthwise (wrong-side out) and sewing 5/8" from the fold.

3. Add interfacing to both sides of bow tie.

4. Turn the bow tie and the hold-together piece right-side out. Iron them nice and flat. To get the tip of the bow tie pointy, try using a pencil to push the tips out. Sew the opening in the bow tie piece closed. Turn hold together piece inside out. Iron it so that the seam is in the middle of one side.

5. Pinch bow tie in the middle (see picture).

6. Add hold together piece. Wrap once around the middle of the bow tie  and pull tight.

7. Slip a strip of elastic through the hold together piece on the back side of the bow tie.

8. Sew the hold together piece. Use the zipper foot on your sewing machine to get your seam line as close to the bow tie as possible. Trim extra fabric. Try the bow tie on your handsome model with a collared shirt on to get the elastic measurements just right. (Note: my elastic stretches to get around his head and into place on the collar, but it is NOT stretching when in place. Comfort is very important to keep in mind... especially if you want your child to actually wear it.) Sew elastic together. I added a few free hand stitches to keep the bow tie and elastic from moving.

DONE!

This was SERIOUSLY easy and would require only the most basic of sewing knowledge. Definitely a great beginner project.

My handsome boy was dedicated two Sunday's ago. Immediately after church, we celebrated his first birthday with family. I may not have had a penny to use to buy him a strapping boy outfit, but I totally made it work. I think he looked adorable in his hand-me-down outfit topped off by the home-made bow tie and the grandma-bought white dress shoes.

Some pictures from the day:

 That boy right there has this momma's heart. BIG TIME! Happy birthday to my little Jedman.

Some candid shots from the day.

• I am a big fan of baby dedications. Not the event, but the standing before God and witnesses and committing out loud to trust God with my child and to raise my child to know God. It's a powerful thing!
• My sissy's in blue and my sister-in-law is in the picture with both my kids, aren't they beautiful?! God blessed me with two awesome sisters!
• I also had no money for decorations, but I rigged up a happy birthday banner from 8x6 triangle pieces of leftover fabric, free-hand cut letters out of scrapbook paper and used modge podge to glue the paper to the fabric. I ripped a long strip of white fabric and zig-zag stitched the whole thing together. It's hard to tell in the bad lighting, but I think it turned out cute.

"Jed, meet Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster, Jed." Add a toy lawn mower to go places with and they are new best friends. :)

 First birthday cake.

Frosting Mustache=Best Kind of Mustache.

Have you ever had next to $0 to celebrate a milestone? How did you make it work?

We are off to Addy's very first day of swimming lessons today. Tomorrow, I have a something very personal to share with you all. I am excited about it, so do come back :)

Till Then...

xo
Amanda

Thankful Thursday #11

Happy Thursday Friends! I am enjoying a week without much computer in my life, and will probably be doing the same next week too. Mike is off this weekend and Independence Day too. I am so looking forward to time spent with family! We are going to celebrate Jed's First Birthday too.



#126 My sister getting out a tub full of our old barbies among other things.

(Couple of random little side notes I just can't keep to myself: 1. Who played with Maple Town toys??? They were my favorite! 2. Who can tell I was a child in the 80's and early 90's? 3. The little boy Barbie doll has a bowl cut and totally brought me back to the days when Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the greatest thing to grace the television airwaves. Home Improvement, anyone?)

#127 Addy asking me, "Is that the church where you got married?" I reply, "Yes, baby." Then she tells me, "When I get bigger, I am going to get married there... In the church with the tall, tall, high tower! I am going to get married in the tower and dance by the bell! K, Mom?" She later clarifies that bigger means 5. I proceed to tell her a little about marriage and how she should look for a man like her daddy. It is a good gift, all of it, but especially the part where I can tell my daughter to look for a man like the man I get to spend the rest of my life with!

#128 Footed-Pajama Bible Study Buddies

 #129 A turtle swimming through the cheerios.

#130 How it only takes the span of one email for my daughter to locate green plant tape and string it from one end of the room to the other, around toys, chairs, and her brother. I turned around to find that my room was very much like the girl's cabin on The Parent Trap... only with green tape.

#131 Getting to be a part of a surprise anniversary party/vow renewal of two very awesome people.  The look on someone's face when they have been genuinely and pleasantly surprised. Watching 2 daughters put on the party for their parents, and 3 boys walk their momma down the aisle. Watching how after 25 years of marriage, 2 people, if given the option, will still stand and say that I still want to spend the rest of my life with you and I love you more now than then. It's a beautiful thing!!!

 #132 Canolis

#133 Getting goofy with my best friend

#134 Frogs

#135 Birthday pancakes and eggs

#136 A day spent with a friend

Side note: This is my 100th post! And it's been just about one year since I thought I would give blogging a whirl. Thanks for being on this journey with me friends!

Wishing you eyes to see all you have to be grateful for!
xo
Amanda

3 Valuable Tips...

My son just turned one year (Insert the 100th heart-sigh I have had this week... kids really do grow up way too fast), which means I have been cloth diapering for almost a year. I thought I would share my thoughts about it for any who are curious, BUT FIRST (since many of you may not be AT ALL interested in reading anything having to do with diapers) I wanted to share 3 VALUABLE THINGS that I learned from cloth diapering that will seriously benefit you too, whether you are cloth diapering or not.

3 VALUABLE TIPS:

1. Thirsty Towels- Who likes big, thick. thirsty towels? I do! CDing is all about maximum absorbency (i.e. "thirsty"), so I have learned that in order to get "thirsty" towels, use laundry detergent that has no fabric softeners added and do not use a dryer sheet. Fabric softeners actually leave a residue in your fabric that make it harder to absorb liquid, same with dryer sheets. Fine for clothes. Not so fine for towels. See this list of detergents to see if yours measures up (note: just look in the column labeled "softeners"... unless, of course, you care about all that other stuff.)

2. Dryer Sheets?- Want to save money on dryer sheets and money on energy bill? Cloth diapers are thick and do not dry quickly so I tried using wooly rounds (balls made entirely of wool) in my dryer. They absorb static, and bouncing balls in your dryer keep the laundry tossing around better, so it dries faster and stays fluffy. I now use these with all my laundry. Only problem: these wooly rounds were almost $13 a pop... so I tried tennis balls... and they work too! The wooly rounds are better at absorbing static, but not $13 a piece better in my mind. So now, I save money by rarely using dryer sheets (only when doing my bed sheets and fleece), my laundry is fluffier, and I shave a few minutes off my dry time. Want to do this too? It takes 5-7 tennis balls bouncing around in that dryer to be most effective.

3. Swim diapers- Did you know that a cloth diaper cover can double as a swim diaper? They make covers in an adjustable one-size so that it grows from 8lbs to 35lbs. One cover costs the same as one bag of swim diapers. And they come in adorable prints. You can save yourself the money from running out to buy a bag of swim diapers every time you get the notion to take your 0-4 year old swimming and just use a reusable diaper cover (note: this is a link to the company I use, but there are other good ones. If you are interested, you are looking for the key words one size and waterproof diaper cover. They also make reusable swim diapers, but they cost a little more.)

Cloth Diapering at One Year update.

Warning: This rest of this post is entirely devoted to cloth diapering and may contain graphic language or things that may seem like "TMI." Side effects from reading this may include rehashing rough memories from your diapering days or may reduce your maternal desire to have babies. This post may also be used as an effective form of birth control. Consider yourself warned. 

(Haha I am cracking myself up... it's not that bad.)

I can honestly say that for the first 6 months of cloth diapering, I loved it. Truly. I am not lying.

You can look here and here if you want to see the beginning of my journey with it.

I loved the way Jed rarely got diaper rash. I loved that they were chemical free. I loved the cute covers. I can't explain why one would love cloth diapering, but I did. (Okay maybe love is a bit too strong of a word... but I definitely, and perhaps strangely, more-than-liked it.)

However...

After the sixth month mark, my love has gone down to a I-prefer-it-to-disposables-diapers... barely.

Barely.

Just being real.

I love the money savings. I haven't needed to buy ANYTHING related to diapers in over 6 months.

I HATE rinsing out poo-filled diapers. HATE.

For the first sixth months, rinsing the diaper of a breastfed-only baby isn't really necessary... and then they get to solid foods...

And then. Yeah.

And then your baby starts getting extra wormy-and-squirmy and they grow and their muscles get stronger and they start demonstrating a will of their own, and that extra 5 seconds of diaper time that never bothered you before, now adds to your daily frustrations. Child, won't you please just lay still so I can get this diaper on you? Puh-leeeease!

If all diapers were free, I would have cloth diapered for 6 months and switched to disposable. But they're not, so still I persist.

Some hope:

• Now that Jed is near the 1 year mark, about 2 weeks ago we turned a corner. His poo is now more solid and much easier to rinse. He doesn't go #2 as often either (like once, maybe twice a day) In fact, sometimes, it's nice and solid and just falls right into the toilet, no rinse necessary (I warned you this may contain TMI...)
• I am still seriously holding on to the hope that CDing will make potty training easier. All my fingers and all my toes way super crossed.

My sanity keepers:

• Some days I just really, very seriously need to be able to throw the poo in the trash, so I keep some free-and-natural diapers (usually 7th Generation brand) handy. They are usually cheaper than huggies/pampers but a little more than generic. They are environment and sensitive-bum friendly.

• I use a spray wand attachment for my toilet. Like seriously... seriously... if you are going to CD, get one of these. I may hate rinsing diapers, but I don't even want to think of how I'd feel if I couldn't rinse them out into the toilet. Big "ew!" for rinsing them in bathtubs or sinks. Like I tell my daughter, "Poo-poo and pee-pee go in the potty."

• I only rinse diapers once a day, I just leave the poo-poo ones the top of the diaper pail, and rinse them when my kids are in the bath, since I have to be in the bathroom to watch them anyways. Might be gross to wait till the end of the day to rinse them, but it's also gross to rinse them, so...

• I don't have room in my budget to switch to disposable diapers. This also helps. I am helping my family every time I take that wand in my hand and spray.   

• Oh, and laundry... I don't fold my diapers anymore. I put them in a stack and plop 'em down on their designated shelf. It doesn't bother me to wash and dry laundry... it's the folding and putting away that gets me. I make that part really easy on myself.

 

In summary: Cloth diapering is great for the first 6 months. Poop is nasty and not fun to clean. Cloth diapering can save you money.

I may have just forever convinced you to not try cloth diapers, or maybe I convinced you to try them out. Or maybe you were one of the people who thought I was crazy to try them out in the first place and is now secretly happy that I have joined the diapers-are-lame club. Whatever the case, I would rather be honest than try to sell you on something I do.

Me and my prefolds are pressing forward.

Wishing you joy even in the poop that life sometimes produces!

Amanda

To the Jedman

Happy Birthday to my handsome little man!

I cannot believe it was one year ago today that I was wrapped up in the newly-arrived wonder of you.

Momma is so emotional over this particular milestone that I fear your wordy mother cannot say much lest these eyes produce waterfalls.

I love you, Mr. Jedman!

To the moon and back, with all my heart, no matter what.

Momma

Singing the Background

She sings bold notes, belting from her soul, loud and clear, deep and full, ringing through the acoustics into people's souls. She's young. A beauty pageant runner-up, straight-A student, former cheerleader, and vocal talent. Oh, and it seems important to mention that she has blond hair, big like Texas.

From my older and wiser lips, I sing softly, delicate and feminine, barely heard. I am the girl with hair that's destined to live out its days straighter and flatter than a memo sheet pinned to the wall, but I flutter a high-noted harmony that blends into her voice, elevating it. The background.

I am singing the background.

Without going into a long drawn out Amanda's Vocal History lesson, let me summarize it like this: I have always wanted to be a singer. I have never been all that great of a singer.

Time and experience have left me with a usable voice, but I will never be the Nora Jones or Adele that I dream of sounding like. In fact, the other day I was singing over suds and plates and spoons, and I decided to record myself with my camera. Friends, if you want to deflate your ego, record yourself singing. I could hear Randy Jackson saying to me, "Like, yo, dawg, it was pretty pitchy. Like I had trouble listening to it." Yeah.

In spite of my vocal shortcomings, years of trying to sing and playing the guitar have also left me with an ear that can pick out a harmony. I can't explain how I do it. I just do. I hear it in my head.

I don't have the voice that was made to shine. I was not made to be a soloist. I have the voice that was made to be in the background. It may seem un-important, but having been around bands and music teams for a long time, even leading one myself, I know, those background people cover the mistakes of the foreground people. They keep the melody reeled in tight when a young voice hits the power notes out of control. They cover the sharps and flats with the grace of their harmony.

All this got me thinking about parenting.

My son just started walking a few weeks ago. His walk is still a bit like Frankenstein--stiffed-kneed and arms out. While I was watching him walk, I had myself a moment. Tears. My baby is a toddler. He's turning 1 in a few days. {I am crying again writing this. Life is so fleeting and precious and changes so fast. From being the girl that wanted 4-6 kids, to having the hard pregnancies and a delivery that made me say "Maybe I am okay with 2," to now longing for another baby; can I just confess my sentiment: God, you are a tricky one, you are.}

Here's the truth about babies learning to walk: They walk when they are ready to walk. We, as parents, need to do very little. We stand in the background encouraging, arms out-stretched to meet their first steps. We wait and we watch and we are there to catch them should they tumble.

It seems like a lot of parenting is like this. We, the parents, are in the background singing the harmony helping our kids find their melody while they walk, then talk, first day of kindergarten, making friends, losing friends, first crush, first broken heart, discovering Jesus for themselves, wearing make-up, spiking hair, first dance... {I think I need to stop there. I don't want to be in tears again over this whole my-kids-will-be-grown-up-one-day thing.}

God made our kids wonderful and unique and special. He gave our kids talents, personalities, and a different way of seeing life and relating to God. He grafted onto our kids' hearts purpose, potential. As parents, we watch our kids' personalities come to life as they grow. We see their struggles. We see their strengths. We may not know exactly what they will grow up and do, but we want to see them get there (well kind of, I am pretty sure there is part of us that wishes our children could stay young forever). We want to see them walking in their purpose and in their dreams.

We want to see them belting out the melody of their life's song.

We want to be there to reel them in should they find themselves a little out of control.

We want to help them find the Grace that covers all their mistakes.

And because of this, there is a subtle harmony each parent was meant to sing over their child. We sing it as we watch those first steps. We sing it as we prepare them for their first day of school. We sing it as we tend to their broken heart. We sing it as we show them how to apply make-up or do their hair. We sing it even when they don't want to hear it, when their eyes roll, when they think they know more. We sing that soft, subtle harmony that lifts their voice, guides them to their melody. It's quiet, but it's wise. It never outshines the melody, but it is important.

No matter where your kids are in life, they need your harmony. They don't need you to sing melody. They don't need your will, they need you to lead them to God's Will. They need you to sing harmony, the background, the guiding role rather than the leading role. They need your prayers and your support, your grace.

{Side Note: I think this analogy translates well into church leadership too. The best kind of leaders are the one's that can sing the harmony so that those who follow can find their melody.}

What do you think?

Amanda

Thankful Thurday #10

Happy Thursday friends! I have been having a blast challenging myself to respond to most of your comments. Truth be known, I have always been an introvert. Not shy, just quiet. Throw me up in front of a room full of people and I can entertain for hours; ask me to go around a room full of people and make conversation, and I suddenly have no idea what to say, feel overwhelmed and quiet. So, point being, I am learning how to small talk and to get to know people over this little thing called a blog. Yes! Thank you! Seriously, thank you for coming by.

 #112 Beaters. Cookie Dough. Enough Said.

 #113 My Husband. He's such a good daddy to our kiddos. Also, the first "World's Greatest Dad" sticker that officially welcomed us into the dorky parents club (because don't you know, all parents who proudly sport their kids #1 Dad and World's Greatest Dad gifts on Father's Day are dorky?! Sorry if I just burst your bubble, but you should know right now that dorky pretty much goes with the whole parenting thing. Ha!). Upon reading the sticker and asking Addy who was the World's Greatest Dad, she, without an ounce of hestitation, proudly proclaimed, "MY Dad!" 

 #114 The smell of fresh bark at the playground.

 #115 Walking hand in hand.

 #116 Frankenstein Toddles

 #117 Brother and Sister. Playing Together.

 #118 My outfit. Pin Stripe skirt, a comfy t-shirt, and leopard print shoes. When I asked my husband if it worked, he said it looked like I belonged in a music video to a song like "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." So, naturally, I wore it. Silly, perhaps, but it made me happy to be my own quirky self in my own quirky outfit. Because really, girls just want to have fun! :)

 #119 Addy wanting to read one of my Bibles... without pictures, right along with me. Makes my heart happy to think of all the things she was saying while she was "reading"

xo
Amanda