Picky Preschooler Approved: Butternut Squash Mac and Cheese

I have a picky daughter. Some days I can stick healthy vegetables in a sandwich or on her plate and she'll just eat it. Most of the time, it is war to get her to eat "the good stuff." For both our sanities, I enforce a one bite rule. She must try one bite of everything no matter how green and strange looking it is. If she is unwilling, she gets a five minute time out on her bed, enforced immediately. I've only had to give her a time out twice. And since enforcing the one bite rule, I have discovered that there are foods she truly can't stand the taste of and foods that she would prefer not to eat (but will eat). I haven't quite figured out if it's a control thing, like she wants to decide what she will eat, or if it's a "I like the taste of processed food better so I don't feel like eating healthy." I am thinking it's a little of both. After seeing the results from the one-bite-rule, I know which vegetables are worth battling over and which ones will cause a serious fight because she seriously can't stand them.

Sometimes, one doesn't want to have to fight over food. Food fights are not fun.

Well, not like this anyway.

So, one night I decided to try hiding vegetables in Addy's food. I needed something that was mild in flavor, similar in color to what I was hiding it in... Macaroni and Cheese with Butternut Squash.

Addy loved it.

She even helped me make it, so there was no secret about the squash throughout the dish.

Butternut squash when pureed and spread through pasta looks a lot like yellow cheese. It has a mild, sweet and nutty flavor that doesn't take mac and cheese in a strange direction. I use chicken apple sausage to compliment it's sweetness (and tell Addy it's chicken or hot dog, whichever one happens to work on a given evening to get her to eat it). I keep the cheese and the butter as low as possible (well, I probably could have gone a little lower on the butter... I guess I could only sacrifice so much butter ha!)... I was not going for decadent comfort food in this recipe. It does taste warm and comforting, but not heavy. It's good enough to make it on our dinner menu 2 times a month in the winter. It has the makings for a sophisticated flavor profile, but it stops a little short so my daughter's 3-year-old palate will not find a reason to dislike it.

Butternut Squash Mac and Cheese

 This recipe uses half of a butternut squash. I either save the other half for another meal later on in the week (wrap it up and it will totally keep for a few days in the fridge) or cook both halves and use all the extra pureed squash for baby food for my son. (Freeze in ice cube trays for easy storage).
Cutting this bad boy will require muscle and an good knife. Butternut squash is not the easiest thing to cut through. Scoop out the seeds and slimy stuff. Stick in a 400 degree oven for 30-40 minutes (until it is tender) or place on plate, cover with saran wrap, and microwave on high for about 6 minutes. Allow to cool (or at least its a good idea lest you burn yourself. Been there. Done that.)
(If you maintain a preschool-age-free or more sophisticated household, you could also cube and saute butternut squash, rather than puree it)
When squash is done, preheat oven to 350.

 When squash is almost done in oven or while squash is cooking in the oven, put on water for pasta on a burner and bring it to a boil. Slice 4 sausages lengthwise in fours and then cut into cubes. I usually use Aidell's chicken apple sausage. It wins my taste-test. I have also used mild Italian sausage (1 lb) and ground beef (1 lb). I like the chicken apple sausage the best, though the Italian sausage is a close second. Ground beef was bland but had potential with more seasonings added to it.

Chop 1 cup of onions. (chop more finely for the especially picky child. They are less likely to notice their presence). Spray a pan that's been heated on medium heat with canola oil. Throw onions and sausage into pan and saute. (Aidell's sausage is already cooked so if you are using this, your meat/onion mixture is done when the onion's tender and browned). 

Place 2 cups of pasta into boiling water. When grocery shopping, I pull out a couple different styles of pasta shapes that will work and let my daughter pick which ones she likes. If she feels like she picked it out, she is that much more likely to eat it. (Some shapes that work: small shells, elbow, ziti, cork screw, or we have even found ones that looked like flowers... can't remember the official name, but my girly-girl loved them.)
The key to cooking pasta that will go into the oven is AL DENTE. Over cook your pasta and you will assuredly have mush after it spends time in the oven. So, read the bag/box of pasta for al dente cook time, stand by that boiling pasta, turn on a timer... do whatever you have to do to not overcook it.

 Peel skin off of squash, cut it into chunks and place in food processor.

Puree.
(If you have a baby, take out a baby sized portion, add water until its baby food consistency and feed him fresh baby food. I love doing this. I realize it isn't much different than the jar and this really is almost effortless, but it still makes me feel like THE WOMAN. I like feeling that way.)

 Place 1/4 cup of melted butter, 1/4 cup of milk, pasta, meat mixture in casserole dish. Add a "ch-ch-ch" of nutmeg (a "ch-ch-ch" is a little more than a dash and can be described as the seasoning bottle, while open to the sprinkle setting, rising and falling 3 times and each time the cook makes the sound effect "ch"... Okay I know I am weird. If you don't speak in sound effect measurements go with a dash or 1/8 a tsp. I totally make sound effects while cooking.) Also add a 1/4 tsp of cracked pepper and 1/2 tsp of garlic powder. Add 1 cup of cheese (I usually end up with an assortment based on whatever is in my fridge... Monterrey Jack, Cheddar, Romano, American, Parmesean. I find it smart to make sure some kind of yellow cheese like cheddar or American ends up in your mix just for the simple fact that it will hide the yellow squash better as well as about a 1/4 cup of a saltier cheese like parmesean or romano. Last night, I used all five of the aforementioned cheeses simply because I had all of them in my fridge). Add in your butternut squash. Stir. Remember cheese will have a chance to completely melt in oven. Sprinkle top with a little cheese for prettiness sake.
Place in 350 oven for 15-20 minutes.

 This is deliciousness your preschooler or toddler can appreciate. (And will hopefully save you the food drama for one night anyways). I know my preschooler loves it. And so does mom and dad! Disclaimer: My daughter likes this. She's the only preschooler I've tested this on. And while she is definitely picky and definitely likes it, it is not a sure thing that your child will like it as well. Please do not blame me if your child refuses to eat this. I wish I could guarantee that a handful of nutritious recipes could solve dinner time drama for good, but, alas, as each child is different and prone to being fickle, I fear that is not the case.

1/2 lb of Italian sausage and 2 chicken apple sausages mac and cheese combo pictured above. A very delicious combo too.


Without pictures and wordy explanations:
Butternut Squash Macaroni and Cheese

1/2 butternut squash
2 cups of dry pasta (small shells or elbow)
1 cup of chopped onion
4 chicken apple sausages, cubed
1 cup of shredded cheese, plus a little extra for topping (Suggested: About 3/4 cup of American, cheddar, and/or jack and 1/4 cup of Parmesan or Romano)
1/4 cup of milk
1/4 cup (1/2 cube) of unsalted butter, melted
Dash of nutmeg
1/4 tsp of cracked pepper
1/2 tsp of garlic powder

1. Bake butternut squash in 400 degree oven until tender (30-40 minutes) or microwave for 6 minutes.
2. Preheat oven to 350
3. Saute onions and sausage in pan until onions are tender and just browned. 
4. Bring water to a boil in a large saucepan. Place dry pasta in water. Cook until al dente and drain.
5. Peel skin off of butternut squash and puree it in a food processor.
6. Place melted butter, milk, pasta, 1 cup of cheese, sausage/onion mixture, butternut squash, and seasonings into casserole dish and stir until ingredients are evenly distributed. Top with a cheese and place in oven for 15-20 minutes or until cheese is melted.

Serves 4 large adult portions or 2 adults and 1 preschooler dinner, plus enough leftovers for all 3 at lunch.

And Most Importantly, It's Caffeinated...

I am a bit of a "foo-foo" coffee drinker. Or maybe a coffee snob. Or maybe I am just picky.

I find instant coffee will not do. Folger's definitely won't. And anything out of the Mr. Coffee, um, pass.

It just doesn't taste good. And I want to start my day out with something that I enjoy.

I found Pioneers Woman's method of making iced coffee, and it has changed my life.

Truly.

Thank you PW! You have no idea how much some of your posts have changed my life. Berry-buttered, lemon-zested, egg-yolk only and half and half  french toast... all amazing revelations to how good french toast can be (my special occasion brunch go-to recipe) and one on the menu this week: crash hot potatoes, thanks to my friend Janet's recommendation. I can't wait to try em. Though PW I want to know how it is that your site is so full of drool-worthy deliciousness but you are so slender?! Do you eat your food?!

Okay, enough PW praises, back to the coffee: It's cold. It tastes good. I don't have to own an espresso machine or know how to operate fancy machinery. And most importantly, it's caffeinated.

That really is the most important part!

I found the Pioneer Woman's directions to be a bit overwhelming since I don't own large items that allow me to cook for an army (or a family with teenage boys, so not there yet) and cheesecloth is a huge pain in the rear end. So I made some improvisations to make it work for me and thought I would share because truly this has revolutionized my morning. I look forward to waking up, because it means I get to enjoy my coffee. Bible reading and prayer time you are mine because I want to wake up early, and this caffeinated beverage wakes me up enough to not mumble through my prayers.

It may sound silly, and I may be alone on this. But this coffee has changed my life.

I love you coffee!

Here's what I do:

1 cup of ground espresso beans...exact measurement not important. (The espresso is important! And if you are grinding them yourself, do grind them to a fine espresso ground quality.) I've used Cafe Bustello like PW recommends. It's cheap, and it's good. A friend blessed me with some Starbucks espresso beans...their Christmas blend. Thank you friend! That's what I am currently using. (I am going to be honest. I enjoy my Cafe Bustello just as much as my Starbucks ground. The Starbucks tastes slightly better and decidely fresher but not enough to persuade me to spend the extra money. I will say though, that beans are now my thing. I LOVE the smell of fresh ground coffee! Yum!)

Dump into a half gallon pitcher.

Fill with cold water (just the cold setting on your faucet will do.)

Stir to make all them coffee granules wet.

Set in fridge 8-10 hours (overnight)

Line a wire mesh strainer with thin, non-fuzzy, flat, cotton dishtowel. I fold mine over so it's doubled. (About the towel: I picked my dish towel up at the dollar store years ago. I love these towels. I never use these kind for dishes or hands. They are great for rolling dough out on or for covering a bowl with rising bread dough in it. They also make a great cheesecloth substitute. Espresso grounds don't sneak through it like I found with the cheesecloth and I don't have to cut anything up or wonder whether its worth the effort to reuse it. I just dump the espresso ground into trash and run water through it and throw it in the dirty towel bin. I launder it with my towels. Easy! But do know that it will stain your towel a lovely coffee-washed tan. And by the way, so you can benefit from my experiences, paper coffee filters take FOREVER for the liquid to get through and catch far too much of the silt that espresso ground leaves behind so you have to constantly change out the paper mid-pour because it stops letting liquid through. Also, the metal reusable filters do not catch enough of the silt so they are also not ideal.)

Put a funnel onto your coffee container. (Mine is less than a half gallon... that's okay. I just end up with a little extra left over. I move funnel to my cup and pour directly into my glass. Can't waste the stuff, right?!) Pour the delicious life-empowering liquid into the towel-lined strainer into the container.

Enjoy coffee! See below*

Clean up. (Notice this comes after enjoying the coffee. This is important. Clean up happens much more happily when caffeinated.)

This lasts me 10-14 days. A little bit of work one day for almost 2 weeks of delicious, inexpensive caffeinated beverage enjoyment. Definitely worth it! Also, my budget agrees with me now that I rarely drive thru 5bucks, er, uh, I mean, Starbucks anymore (not knocking the Bucks though. I love me a delicious coffee treat every now and again, I just can't afford it daily.)

*To enjoy my coffee... I place a mere 3 ice cubes into a 12 oz. glass. (Only 3 because I want some to keep it cold but I don't want to take up too much space in my glass. That space is precious and must be offered to the coffee liquid! Ha!). I put 3 pumps of chocolate syrup for coffee into my glass. I fill glass just past halfway with coffee. I then fill my glass to the top with milk. I stir and enjoy. (Equal parts coffee to milk ratio.) If you want to be low to no fat, use low fat or skim milk. If you are feeling naughty, use whole milk or half and half. The PW suggests condensed milk as well for the especially naughty.

By the way, about the chocolate for all my fellow die-hard mocha lovers: I buy mine at Smart and Final in the large coffee-shop size. I like it like this because 1. You get a pump. Easy to use. Easy to measure just the right amount every time. 2. It is SOOOO much cheaper. Like 4-6 times cheaper than buying a small bottle at grocery store. Only suggestion: store in the fridge unless you actually run a coffee shop. Mine lasts me about 2-3 months, like 30 times as long as it does at a coffee shop and definitely enough time for it to go bad if left out. (Chocolate syrup can mold... gross, right?!)

Other tasty suggestions: Try a heaping spoonful of brown sugar or raw sugar for my sweet-loving coffee friends. The molasses attached to the sugar granules make this WAY richer, fuller and carmelly tasting than just plain ol' granulated sugar. You could also use a flavored creamer (Not at all how I am able to enjoy this beverage, but, hey, to each their own).

Wishing you many great mornings!

Simplified Instructions:

Need:
1 cup of ground espresso beans.
2 half gallon pitchers
mesh strainer
Flat cotton cloth
funnel

1. Place about one cup of espresso grounds into half gallon pitcher. Fill with cold water to top. Stir to get all the grounds wet.
2. Place in fridge overnight or 8-10 hours.
3. Place funnel over empty half gallon pitcher. Line mesh strainer with cloth. Pour liquid into strainer and into pitcher.
4. Enjoy however you please :)

Wisdom and Parenting

I once heard this message preached by Pastor Wayne Cordiero. (Click the link if you would like to see more of his messages. He is one of my favorite communicators of the gospel.) I tried finding the message on the web but, alas, I couldn't, so you will just have to hear it from me. It's a simple, practical message that seriously changed my life. I pull it out constantly so I wanted to share it with you.

Everyone has the ability to learn wisdom. Everyone gets the chance to learn wisdom. There are two different "schools" at which one can learn wisdom: School of Wisdom and the School of Consequence. Both are great schools that effectively impart wisdom.

The School of Wisdom has great teachers. It's teachers are people like Moses, David, Peter and Paul from the Bible. It also has on its staff parents, pastors, and people slightly older and wiser who have already been through what you are going through. The School of Wisdom is free; it doesn't cost you anything but the time invested into learning from it. 

The School of Consequence is an equally great place to learn Wisdom. It's teachers are Life and Hard Knocks. The School of Consequence has varying fees, but it will always cost you something. Sometimes attending there can cost you a little, but sometimes it can cost you everything. Should you decide that you would rather not enroll in a school, you will automatically be enrolled in the School of Consequence.

The simplicity of this message can be applied to anywhere a person happens to find him/herself in life. I am constantly asking myself, "How do you want to learn, Amanda?" When it is so simply broken down, School of Wisdom seems like the glaringly obvious choice. I am not so sure I can afford the School of Consequence... I am not so sure I want to afford it. For me, at this particular moment in time, I am reminded that I need to be surrounded by people who have raised children and by people who have weathered a few storms in marriage. While I could pay the fees and go about it my own way, I think I should much prefer learning from Wisdom. It's way better on the budget! I don't want to look back on my child-raising years and just have a long list of things I wish I had done better. It's not just my life in the balance; I need wisdom for the sake of my children.

I did a bible study a few months back on parenting. I loved the first lesson. I paraphrased from the book 14 Secrets to Better Parenting by Dave Earley in a handout I made.

Think of the legend of Robin Hood. The guy is supposed to have an incredible ability to hit any target with a bow and arrow. But imagine the skilled marksman was blindfolded or didn't know what his target was... would he still be able to hit the target? Likely not!


It's the same way with parenting. Shooting in the dark and hoping for the best result is not a good game plan when raising children. You must know your target then practice hitting it. Know your goal, then hone your skills so you may achieve that goal. The goal? Wisdom! (Proverbs 1:1-4; 4:1-2; 4:5-7; 1:7; 3:13,18; 4:10-14)


We all want our kids to grow up to be happy and healthy, but those are a by-product of wisdom. For example, if you simply aim for happiness, you may over-indulge/spoil your child. But if you aim for wisdom, God PROMISES happiness and health will follow with wisdom (Proverbs 3:13,18; 4:10-14).

It seems in parenting it is important to know the target and practice hitting it. Not only do we want to achieve wisdom in our kids, but it requires us having some in us as well. I NEED to read my Bible more and spend way more time with WISE people... wise in the areas I need wisdom.

You too??

Dream Team of MVO's

This morning has involved a lot of bouncing...

Bouncing my teething son...

And bouncing ideas off some dear people in my life whose opinions I value.

While texting my friend, I thanked her for her input by calling her one of my MVO's (Most Valued Opinions). My moment of cleverness faded into the thought... There is a small handful of people in this life whose opinions matter to me, whose opinions should matter anyways. They are people who know me, really know me. They know my private struggles, my short-comings, my character flaws. They know my dreams and my strengths. They know my values and either share share similar values or they respect my values enough to protect them.

Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." My MVO's are able to set aside their life for a few minutes, and, when I am excited over something, they get excited. When I am experiencing heartache, no matter how good their day was, they can set it aside to encourage me, listen to me, and pray for me. They don't get jealous of my achievements. They are truly happy for me. They don't grow weary of my troubles. They truly care about me.

An MVO has too influential a spot in your life to allow it to be filled by just anyone. They have the power to kill your dreams and make you believe less of yourself than you really are. They can ruin your day with an unkind word. They can ignore your short-comings because they are too afraid of hurting your feelings to tell you the truth (kind of like when you get spinach in your front teeth and you walk around the party unaware and no one tells you.) They can fail to lay aside their own dreams and values and instead try to form your life and dreams to the way they think it should look. When life gets exciting, they fail to celebrate with you. Your triumphs become petty. When life gets hard, they leave you feeling abandoned because they just couldn't mourn with you.

Just two simple questions for the day: Who are your MVO's? And should they have such a valued and influential place in your life?

In this world, there is only ONE you! My pastor likes to say "You are His (God's) favorite. He only made one of  you." Who you are and what you were made for, your hopes and dreams, are far too important to allow any of it to be crushed by a well-meaning friend or family member. Surround yourself and your dreams with your DREAM TEAM... even if that means it's just you and God for a while... God is able to fill the spot. He could even be your entire team!

By the way, I have friends and family that I love and cherish who simply aren't MVO's. I love them. They aren't going anywhere. But I keep my dreams and values sacred lest who I am and what I was made for be extinguished. Also by the way, when a dream is first forming it is most fragile... sometimes at this point only God should get an input. As a dream grows and begins to take form, more people can be involved.

Here's to my MVO's! You know who you are, and I treasure you. And here's to all the MVO's everywhere!

Healthy and Delicious Turkey Meatballs

Anyone else look at themselves in the mirror while Christmas season was going on, furrow their eye brows, rub their eyes, and try to not see that their waistline had increased? Yeah, I so did, and it so has. I love all the baking and wonderfully joyous treats that appear in the kitchen... I love them a little too much. Sometimes I spend the entire day with the plate of cookies calling out to me. I am happy the holidays are over, mostly for the sake of my waistline!

So, that being said, I am trying to cook lighter and healthier.

Perhaps you would like to as well... so I now give you for your tastebud's delight:

The Turkey Meatball!

Alright so the Meatball isn't THE healthiest food out there, but this meatball is better than the average meatball:

I call for lean ground turkey. By the way, in the battle of ground beef and ground turkey; the turkey does not win, but neither does the cow. In fat, calories, and cholesterol content, both meats come out with similar results. The key to eating either, is buying LEAN. Check the label and buy 90/10 or better.

I use Panko over Italian breadcrumbs. Besides providing great texture, the are lower in saturated fat and significantly lower in sodium.

Rather than sear in butter, I sear my meatballs in a light pan-spray coating of heart-healthy canola oil.

I use cast-iron which is actually a healthier way to cook: the blood-important mineral, iron, finds its way into your food and thereby your body. You may be able to leave the iron supplement on the health store shelf, and start cooking in cast iron.

I use Kosher salt. Salt is salt, but the process to make Kosher salt makes the salt crystals bigger meaning Kosher salt has less sodium in the same amount of salt. Switching to Kosher is an easy way to reduce your sodium intake.

Ingredients:

1 lb. Lean Ground Turkey
3 garlic gloves, minced
1/4 cup finely chopped onions
1/4 cup fresh parsley, chopped or 1 1/2 tbs dry parsley
1/2 tsp Basil
1/2 tsp Oregano
1/4 tsp Thyme
Pinch of Nutmeg
1/2 tsp Fresh Ground Pepper
1/2 tsp Kosher Salt
1 egg beaten
Canola Oil Cooking Spray
24 oz jar of your favorite spaghetti sauce (my favorite: Classico's Tomato Basil. It runs just over $2.00 a jar. My all time favorite: 1/2 jar of Tomato Basil and 1/2 jar of Vodka Sauce... It's one way to add some extra fat into your food... but oh so yummy!)
Whole grain Spaghetti noodles (13.25 package) (I use Barilla's Whole Grain Thin Spaghetti)

1. Heat up your cast iron dutch oven over medium heat. Spray with Canola Oil. Sweat chopped onions until limp and slightly browned. Pull out of oven and set aside.
2. Put all of your ingredients into a large bowl. Mix. (Do not over work meat.)
3. Shape into about 1 1/2" balls. (Yield should be 16-20 balls)
4. Sear in hot cast iron dutch oven until just brown on all sides... about 1 minute a side.
5. Dump a 24 oz. jar of your favorite spaghetti into dutch oven. Allow to bubble. Reduce heat to low and cover.
6. Allow meatball to cook through, about 60 minutes. (Check after 45 minutes)
7. Prepare pasta. (The key to good pasta is the timing. Read the package for cook time and do not leave your pasta unattended.)
8. Serve.

Variations: Meatballs can be cook in skillet until done or can be cook in a crook pot for about 2 hours.

Suggestions for parents: Allow your child to help you form the balls while singing at the top of your lungs the meatball song (gotta cut loose sometime, right?) and pair your meal with this with the movie, Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs, for and extra special, no-dinner-complaints kind of meal with your kid(s).

And now in pictures:

Sweating onions

"The Ultimate Tower of Italian Seasoning Power" Yeah, I know. I am kind of a dork.

Oops...I forgot to include the oregano to my tower.

Ready to mix!

Best way to quickly mix meat mixes...Take of your rings and get you hands in there. Use your fingers to push the seasonings and Panko through the meat.

Form into balls and place in dutch oven.

Getting their SEAR on...

(Insert Italian Accent) "That looks like one a-tasty meat-a-ball"

My favorite sauce combo.

Simmering...

My dutch oven. Not too expensive to buy, if you shop around. This guy was $30.

The nutty flavor of whole grain pasta has grown on me and now its my favorite.

Anyone else want to bust out in song: "On top of spagetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed..."

The Grace Game

Ever have a "Turning Point?" You know, life is going along as usual. Perhaps there is a slight feeling of discontentment, but life is normal. You are who you've always been. And then, something happens that leaves you forever changed.

I have had a few of those moments in my lifetime. There are the big life moments: my wedding day and the birth of my first child. There are the hard times: the day my husband and his dad made the desicion to close down their business and the day I found out my dear granny had been diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer. Then there are the times I was casually going about life as usual, and nothing really extraordinary happened but somehow God managed to gently teach me a big life lesson that forever changed me.

Today, I want to reflect on one of those business-as-usual Big Moments.

I was 21. Idealistic as ever. I had just returned from 3 months of living in inner-city Los Angeles. I interned at a missions organization and got spend a lot of time at the Dream Center (a 24-hour church that literally has a ministry for every possible way a person could be down and out). I dealt hope to the homeless, helped with youth group missions trips in Tijuana, met some amazing missionaries, reached out to teen runaways, and put on programs for children in some of the worst projects in the LA area. It was an amazing summer.

I came home from my internship ready to save the world. And don't you know, in three months time I managed to gain all the experience and wisdom necessary to be able to do this better than anyone else? HA! I took a position at my church as the administrative assistant. I am pretty sure I drove my pastors crazy, for, with all my 3 months of ministry knowledge, I could not only administrate; I could also pastor better than they could. Confession: I was and still can be a complete know-it-all. My senior pastor later confessed that he almost fired me. I don't blame him. I was difficult.

At this time there happened to be a young man who was interning at the church. I couldn't stand him. I didn't think he belonged there. I also thought I was qualified enough to be able to say whether he belonged there or not... after all I did have my 3 months of internship experience. He would constantly make trips to my desk and stare at my chest. I didn't care if he was in recovery. This was the holy house of God! How dare he call himself an intern and look at a woman's bosoms, foul sinner! (I am being intentionally dramatic.)

Anyways, on this particular day, I had had enough from this young man. I left work thoroughly frustrated. I got in my car and headed to school. The freeway greeted my bad day with some especially congested traffic. Is it just me or does it seem that somehow everyone gets the memo when you've had a bad day and decides to drive especially bad?

A woman was tail-gating me. I found this to be mildly irritating. Then, she decides to floor it into the carpool lane and cut right in front of me, forcing me to brake hard and the car behind me to almost hit me. My bad day combined with this bad driver made me want to scream out every four letter word I could think of.

When I first got my license, to keep road rage from turning my mouth into a cesspool of expletives, I made up a game I called, "The Grace Game." Every time another driver did something to upset me, I came up with a ridiculous story of why that person would have had a good reason to do that. For example, "Perhaps he took my right-of-way because he was in a great hurry. He has missed every single one of his son's baseball games this season and he really needs to make it to the last one to prevent further damaging his relationship with his family. He accidentally hit a dog on the way to the game and decided to do the right thing and pull over to see if the dog could be helped. He knocked on a couple doors to try to find the owner making him irrevocably late..." Less than a minute of my absurd story and my anger was gone.

So on this particularly frustrating day, I remembered "The Grace Game." I began making up a story for this woman. "Perhaps her mom is on her deathbed. While on the way the the hospital, her boyfriend called to tell her that her dog had died. Then he called her back to tell her that he was leaving her for another woman. She now desperately needs her mom and wants so badly to see her one last time..." I begin to chuckle at my slightly morbid ridiculousness. I begin thinking how super clever I am for inventing "The Grace Game."

Enter my life changing moment:

God gently spoke to me in the midst of my prideful revelry, and said, "Amanda, that's conditional Grace. My Grace is Unconditional."

Silence while the words sink in.

Tears, lots of them, immediately ensued.

You may think I am crazy for thinking that God talked to me. But He did. My life-changing moment may be small and normal. But I can still hear those words. They were soft and gentle. A whisper really. But they jarred that girl out of the pride she had been living in and into a small glimpse of the vastness of God's Love.

Our grace is conditional.

We want excuses. Reasons for things. Bad behavior can be fine so long as there is an explanation for it.

God's grace is unconditional.

He doesn't need an excuse, a rough childhood to understand the adult you are today... you can be downright awful and the moment you ask for God's forgiveness, favor, help, love... you have it. It doesn't make sense. It cannot be fathomed or grasped. And it's really not supposed to be: see, there's this thing called Faith. Faith fills the gap between God Ways and our understanding.

I felt especially awful at that moment sitting in practically idle, rush-hour traffic. I had no excuses for my lack of forgiveness. I had no reason to be the prideful, judgmental, know-it-all I had become. I could somehow reach out and love the down-and-out, drug-addict on the streets who chose his addiction over his family, house, and job because I could see the rough life and the addiction as an excuse to live in depravity. But somehow, I couldn't extend love and grace to my pastors and that intern because they should know better. Right?

I should know better.

Most of the time, I do know better.

I am so thankful for the unconditional grace God gives this girl. If you read my last post, Eat My Words, you know pride is an ongoing struggle for me. The moment I think I have conquered it and have learned some great lesson in humility is the moment I find some other aspect of pride ruling some other aspect of my life.

In light of my last post, I need to remember to not form opinions of or make excuses for others. I am not God, and my version of grace and love doesn't even come close to measuring up to His. What is this great need inside me to play God? To decide who deserves what they get and who doesn't?

Unconditional.

Hmmm... What would it look like to live without conditions? I want to find out... And in the meantime, I am just appreciative of the fact that God loves me without them.

Eat My Words

Sometimes, I judge.

As of late, I feel as though someone has gone through the buffet line of every careless word of judgement I have ever spoken, picked a few choice ones to pile up on the plate, and now I get to eat my words.

Ever had that kind of moment? You are casually going about your business and catch yourself doing something you at one time judged others for doing? Or maybe someone says something about you that you once said about someone else? Or maybe you've caught yourself doing something that you once said "I will never...," like from your younger days before you had kids when you thought you could parent better than your mom. Right now, it feels like God is tapping me on my shoulder and gently reminding me of times past. I don't consider myself judgmental, more like idealistic or maybe even opinionated. But no matter how I choose to color it, I still judge. The past 6 months or so has contained a plateful of reminders of this shortcoming of mine.

A few months back, a girl I knew made a remark about a woman who had her 4ish year old peeing into the bushes outside of a shopping store. Her comment was something along the lines of "Seriously?! Why would anyone do that? That's unbelievable. I will never..." As a mother who has survived potty training and has a busy daughter who waits to the absolute last possible second to head to the bathroom to relieve herself, I know that sometimes allowing your child to urinate outside the store is simply a matter of survival. It's not ideal. It's not what anyone dreams of when they think of motherhood. But sometimes, on the rare occasion, motherhood simply requires some pretty "interesting" and often embarrassing duties from us. I did not say anything to my friend, for some things are better learned on one's own. God is a great and gentle teacher anyways.

We are all guilty of such things, though I suppose I shouldn't speak for you; I am guilty of such things. Lack of experience causes me to look at the choices other people make and question them. And I suppose if I am to be very honest, sometimes I am just downright rotten. A little piece of me that still struggles to know her value wants to compare myself to others so I can feel a little better. But that's an entirely different conversation for a different day,

I am learning that people and life are a sum of choices we make. Different situations challenge what is most important to us, and we make our decisions accordingly.

Being a stay-at-home mom has been something that I place great value on. But its a choice that has come at a high price. Circumstances have demanded that my husband and I make some really tough decisions to keep me at home, decisions that I know not everyone would make. We've had to look at two things we value greatly and decide which one is more valuable. It's kind of like the woman at the store who has to choose between the value of public decency and the value of not allowing her child to pee in his/her pants. I am sure it's not that public decency has no value. I am sure it is a value she wants to instill in her child. But she made a choice, and the value of dry pants won. Perhaps not everyone in that situation would do what she did. Perhaps there could have been other options besides the bushes outside. How can she be judged though, for I haven't lived her life, and I am clueless about her values?

Please don't think this blog is a rant about my judgmental friend. I wouldn't even say she's judgmental, and I also wouldn't be able to say that she's not judgmental; I really don't know either way. I have absolutely similarly judged. For example, and this may show my suburban, small-town upbringing, as a 20ish year old I had this thing about apartments. I looked at apartments, thought it looked lame to live amongst a parking lot with strangers so close by, and thought to myself, "I will never." I didn't want to rush out of my parents' house as a young woman and end up in an apartment. I am not quite sure what my thing was, guess it was just idealistic youth, but I totally thought people who lived in apartments were lame. I now live in an apartment. It's not a big deal. It's a desicion that I made because, well, I've grown up since then and because it's one of the choices we've had to make to keep me at home. Sure, if I could have my cake and eat it too, I would stay at home AND have a house with a backyard. But both isn't an option. So we made a desicion about which one we valued more. We choose me at home. (And by the way, this is NOT me saying everyone should make this desicion in a similar situation. I do not think that. I am only saying what desicion we made for us.)

Even though I am fine with our apartment choice, I will never forget sitting at dinner surrounded by friends and having one person, who happened to be planning for her wedding and her life with her significant other, say, "Yeah, I just don't think I could live in an apartment. There's just something about them." It hurt. I suddenly felt like I was less than. Not good enough. Coach class at a table of executive class people. Apartment class sitting amongst house-with-a-groomed-backyard class people. I thought of the fact that not only did I live in an apartment, but I had also moved back in with my parents for 2 years and after that lived above my church in a tiny studio apartment before moving into our current apartment. They were my husband's and my choices as much as we would like to play the victim-of-a-bad-economy card. And what did all that say about me? Is there "just something about me?" I know I am a little sensitive, but it hurt my feelings. She didn't say it with that intent, she was just communicating her future plans with her future husband ignorant of my living situation. And as I was getting upset, I realized it bothered me so much because I WAS THAT GIRL. I ignorantly judged apartment living and now I was being judged by my same system of measurement. Ouch!

I am sure this is a familiar passage from the Bible: "Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you" (Matthew 7:1-2). In light of what I have been thinking on, I think I understand it a little better. I guess I always skimmed over the "standard of measure" part. I looked at the whole passage and thought "Ok. Don't judge. Got it. Next passage..." Standard of measure refers to weight. It's like going to the grocery store and pulling out a bunch of tomatoes and placing them on the scale. Do you measure in ounces and pounds or in grams and kilograms? I think God is essentially saying that if you pick people up, put them on the scale of your values and determine their worth; by that same scale and by those same values, you yourself will be measured and your worth determined. You yourself will get to eat your words.

The Bible promises God sees us as valuable, a treasure, it speaks of Him seeking after us, pursuing us like a man seeks after the woman he desires above all others. But when we bust out our scale of values and begin to place people on them, Matthew 7:1,2, implies that God now must look at something he sees as valuable, priceless, and wonderful in his perfect eyes and look at us through our imperfect lenses and place us on our imperfect scale. I am thinking I definitely like the way God's sees me better. I am thinking I definitely need to ditch my scale!  

Part of my struggle has been learning to live knowing that I am being judged by others. I find it incredibly hard to know that someone is standing with their nose upturned at me, even though I know I made the best decision for me and my family. Shame. Judgment. Uck! I am finding it incredibly hard to live under that burden, but I haven't quite figured out how to live without caring. Try as I might I DO care what other people think. I know; it's pride, and I need to care more about what God thinks of me. Can I just say, at least for me, "THIS IS HARD!" I know I have come a long ways. Learning to like myself is part of it. Learning to make the desicions that I can live with helps. But its hard. I haven't quite figured out how to further navigate my way out from under the weight of people's judgment. I am learning, but I have a ways to go.

The bright side to eating my buffet plate of careless words is that I am learning compassion. I might have considered myself compassionate before, but I am also learning compassion is something that one can always get better at. My depth of understanding is increasing because my life experience is increasing. I can better understand others. And I can better understand that I don't need to understand others. I am learning because I absolutely hate eating my words, to not just keep my opinions to myself, but to stop forming them all together. I think that is a better form of compassion anyways.

While I may not not be much of one for resolutions, I do love how the new year draws that line on the track for me and lets me run in the direction I choose so that when the next year draws close I can look back and see how far I have come. So new year, I am going to try to keep my mouth shut more often, form fewer opinions about others, and focus my attention on how God sees me instead of others.

"Truly he taught us to love one another; His law is love and His gospel is peace."
-from "O Holy Night"

I think these lyrics pretty much sum it up for me. God gives us perfect love and perfect peace. And He calls us to live that way with others.