The Perfect Sized Family

This last week, I laundered all the baby stuff. I got the good detergent, lovingly folded each little piece of baby clothing, held a few pieces up to my chest trying to remember what it was like to have such a tiny human nuzzled up under the crook of my neck. I think this might be the one time I love doing laundry.  

My daughter walked into the room while I was sitting behind our ottoman that had a three-feet-and-climbing laundry pile. Addy held up a newborn onesie and marveled at the size. She asked what prefolds are. She was wanting me to explain it all. Really, I think she wanted assurance that she would have a special place in our growing family.

Addy declared that all downstairs diapering will be hers to do. And while I don’t think she has any idea what that really looks like (or how often that looks like), I love her heart. She wants to be apart. She wants to be my helper.

I set down the blanket I was folding, and I showed her how to diaper on her stuffed animal.  She asked about the muslin receiving blankets so I told her about how newborns like to be tucked in tight just like when they are in their momma’s tummy. I laid out the blanket and showed her how. And really, even though it was Addy asking the questions, I am trying to remember myself, prepare myself, for what it's like to have a newborn. 

Jed came in into the room just as I handed Addy her swaddled and diapered dog.  He grabbed his stuffed animal so it could get the same treatment. Jed wanted all the explanations and how-to’s. He wanted to be apart too.

For the rest of that day, I got to watch my kids taking care of their “babies.” They built a baby crib-fort for their babies to sleep in, made their babies cry and consoled them, dug out the bottles I haven’t yet sanitized and pretended to feed their babies. I listened to Jed’s questions for his sister about how babies work. I smiled at all of Addy’s answers.

It took my breath away—the overwhelming and abundant grace in those moments. We are preparing. All of us. Our hearts are expanding, making room for this baby. These days are filled with dreams and hope, and an anxious desire to meet the one with whom we’ve already fallen in love. I am well aware that being both “great with child” and raising children—its blessing is doubly sweet. I am growing into the mother of three babies. And I am watching the two I have been raising grow into a big sister and brother to this baby.

----------------------

If you were to ask me when I first got married how many kids I would have or when I planned to have kids, I would have told you:  “Four to six kids, and we will have them about every two years.”

When Mike and I talked about having kids and when and how many, we both agreed. We’d have all our kids, then we’d raise them, then we’d send them off into adulthood and then we’d enjoy an empty nest again. Bing. Bang. Boom. Just like that. 

We valued the positives in having kids close in age. We’d also focused on the negatives from our own childhoods of having our siblings spaced out.  

Maybe this will sound silly, but I am pretty well having my mom’s family. And it weirds me out. (We both had our oldest child when we were 25. Thus far, our kids are spaced out the same. And it will be strange if this baby happens to be a girl, because then I will also have the same gender order. )

It’s not at all how I would have planned my life. In fact, I think I would have ran in the opposite direction of this. But having kids closer together in age just hasn’t been possible for us.  

I struggle with surrender. I might know God ways are better and higher… but still, I tend to gravitate towards my own plans. I may have even once come up with a list of pros and cons to determine how many kids and how far apart they should be. My own plans always look good in writing, mostly because God’s plans require a measure of trust, and the writing of His plans only become plain as the story is being lived.

But this last week, watching my kids who are excited, ready and able to process this change, and no longer toddlers prepare for their baby brother or sister… It grabbed a hold of my heart, and filled it to overflowing. It’s good, guys. God’s plans are good.

I wouldn’t for all the world go back and rewrite my story another way, even if it meant I could erase all the heartache and struggle wrapped up in the reasons our kids aren’t closer together in age. Watching my son sing into my belly, beg me to show him one more time what the baby looks like, hearing all the things he plans to teach his baby brother or sister…  The way Addy is actually going to be able to help me; the way she without even meaning to speaks words that prick my momma heart and encourage me onward; the way she’s become, even if in just a small way yet, my friend…  The way this baby isn’t just my miracle but my family’s miracle because we all prayed for it, longed for it, waited for it... We are now living in the glorious days of great expectation.

I am learning that for all my pro’s and con’s, there isn’t a magical number of children that everyone ought to have, nor is there a perfect way to space your kids out. If you have been comparing your family to another’s, knock that off right now. God writes good stories, and He never writes the same story. Single, married without kids, adoption, one kid, the magical one boy and one girl, five rambunctious boys, three girlie girls and a tomboy mom, remarried with six kids between you two… they all are beautiful stories, though no doubt full of wrestling between best laid plans and how life is actually going. They are full of set backs and triumphs; deep heartache and heart-bursting joy. They are full of invitations to surrender, to trust. They are full of learning that God can and will use it all for His glory.

Dear heart, hold on, the story is still being written.

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for them that love Him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9

I would love it if you would share this little piece of your story: What was your plan for kids? And how many kids, if any, do you actually have and what are their ages?

By Grace,

Amanda Conquers




Sharing in this lovely community of storytellers: