TWR: A Conclusion

In sixth grade, a group of boys huddle around a table uttering low whispers and scoffing snickers. They were making a list of all the girls in the class, from biggest boobs to smallest boobs. And I was a girl with a training bra and nothing to train.


Flat. As. A. Board.

I wanted to melt into my blue plastic chair. Please God don’t let them put me last on that list.
A few agonizing minutes later, the boys began to disperse. The list was complete. My 6th-grade-fate had been decided. My worth had been determined. I walked over to take a peek at the list. I started at the top and scanned down. Please not the last name. Please not the last name.

And I wasn’t there. I didn’t make the list. My worst nightmare had been being last, deemed the girl with the smallest boobs. A far worse reality took shape. I didn’t even make the list. I wasn’t worth mentioning. I was completely unnoticed.

I bought into the age old lie—the same one Eve bought into when the serpent told her that God had withheld knowledge from her, that the fruit would make her like God—you are not enough.

I spent my teenage years listening to that lie. You are not enough. You are not smart enough, pretty enough… you will never amount to anything. You will never accomplish anything. I listened to that lie and with it came a striving heart. I tried so hard to be something special, important, beautiful, wanted—someone no one would overlook. Someone who would make the top of any list some boys would make. I shoved the things about myself that I thought held me back into a dark corner and pretended to be someone else. And while God has dealt with much of this in my adult years, all this striving, trying to be something, is why I find waiting so hard. If I am waiting… if I wear no ministry title, if I am not a big name in the blogging world, if I have nothing published with my name on it… if all I am is a 10-year-old-sedan driving mom of 2 who can barely keep her house clean,then maybe it’s true… maybe I’m not enough.
I want to be noticed. I want accomplishments. I don’t want to bury my dreams in soil and wait. No one will see me here. I will never be enough. I will never be worth anything.

We believe that “Faith without works is dead,” but I think there is a dangerous lie the enemy would like to sell us by twisting that truth in our minds. I hear it constantly (I say it and pray it constantly), “I just want to be used by God.” And sure, this can be a noble plight, but somewhere in this is the lie that we are not enough and in order to be enough we must DO something. Striving. We say it’s for God’s glory, but the fact of the matter is that we fight the age old battle on the fields of our heart: to bring God glory or to bring our own self glory.

Our glory is achieved by DOING—striving.

God’s glory is achieved by bowing low—allowing Him to DO all the DOING.

In waiting, God breaks down the lie that you aren’t enough because He loves you just as you are and you don’t have to do anything to earn that love. In waiting, God also breaks down the lie that you are enough because apart from Him you can’t do anything. It’s just striving. You need Him. And you need His timing. In waiting, you kneel down, bow low and succumb your lumpy-clay-self to the potter’s hands that mold and shape you.

God keeps whispering to me, “Find your place in me, Amanda.” Friends, that is the single most important thing you can do with your life: discover just how much God loves you—He loves you like I tell my kids at bedtime—“to the moon and back, with all [His] heart, no matter what”—NO. MATTER. WHAT. Whether you do great things, small things, a bunch-of-mistake things, or nothing at all—you hold Your Father’s gaze. He sees you. He loves you. You are enough. You don’t have to DO anything to earn it. You have it. Slow your strive. Rest in this.

Find your place in Him.

The other day, I came across a song on waiting. MUMFORD! (Anyone else love Mumford and Sons??) It spoke to me.

So take my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
I will wait. I will wait for you.

I picked up my son, grabbed the hand of my daughter and we spun around the living room doing some kind of riverdance, two-stepping hoedown. Somehow in that, I saw it: I am here in this moment. I am mom. I am wife. I am beautiful and complete and lacking nothing. My heart is full. I can shake off the humanity that makes me strive, that can’t be content. I am doing exactly what was purposed for me to do and holding it full in my hands. He placed me amongst the sticky arms of an Addy and a Jed (and I only get to be there for so long.) My place isn’t found in titles, or here on the web. It’s in Him. It’s in Him!!! Somehow in dancing around my living room, my spirit was kneeling, surrendering, knowing it’s ground—waiting for now. And yet, fully living.

In order to live, you first must die.

I have heard this before: when you feel like no doors are open for you, praise Him in the hallway.

Praise in spite is surrender. And surrender is fully living.

Yes.

I really can wait.

I really can bury my dreams.

I am falling in love with my God. He is Good. And He is worth waiting for.
(Thank you dear friend, you know who you are, for that last beautiful sentiment :))

As this series winds down, I would love to hear YOUR conclusion. What has God taught you in this waiting room??

I can't thank you enough for being here with me. I really appreciate you, friends!!

Amanda

P.S. Did you see the post where I asked for your stories??? Consider sharing yours with us (anonymous is perfectly acceptable--you can even email me from an email account that's something like hotgirl85 or whatever so it will be anonymous to me too. Ha! Oh, and I will also have a link up for my bloggy friends that want to share their story with their readers too). See here for the heart behind it and the guidelines.
See you back here on Tuesday for the waiting room link up and maybe even some stories of YOURS! So glad to shut up and let YOU talk for a change. Ha!!

For your listening pleasure: Mumford and Sons, "I Will Wait." Grab your loved ones by the hands and crazy dance?? :)


In case you missed the other parts of the series and want to get caught up, here are the links:
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