I Jumped...

As a child I was painfully shy and had a hard time making friends. I remember one time in kindergarten; I got this idea that would change my friendless future. I would make a club!

I told all the girls in my class, “I am starting a club and it’s going to be super fun. No boys are allowed.” 

Girls from my class began flocking to me. “What are we going to do, Amanda?”

My response came out hesitantly; I really hadn’t thought it out that far. “We are… are… going to play jump rope!” And after a few minutes of jump rope, I declared, “Now we are going to… to… play link arms and take turns being the leader!”

After a few minutes of the follow-the-leader game one of the girls looked at me and said, “This game is stupid. What else can we do in your club?”

I couldn’t think. I was out of ideas. I stood there dumbfounded until another girl piped up, “Your club is boring. I’m going to start a way better and cooler club.” And just like that my 10 minutes in the sun ended. Every single girl left my club for the better and cooler club, and I was right back where I started, all alone.
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I think somewhere deep down in my heart of hearts, I worry my whole life will be like this. Trying and failing. I worry I will step out on one of the ideas that God’s placed in my heart, and He won’t meet me there. I worry someone will discover how flawed I am, how I don’t have all the answers, how I really don’t have any clue what I am doing other than that I think I am following Christ.

Perhaps even more difficult than the listening, than the obeying, is the now-what part of following Christ. “I did it, God. I heard You. I obeyed You. Now where are You? You are going to show up, right? You are going to catch me, right?”

I think of Peter who, upon seeing Jesus walking on the water, zealously asks if he can join Him. Peter gets out of the boat, he walks on water (WALKS on WATER!)… and then he sees the wind. Peter’s faith wavers. He wonders what he’s doing. He wonders what will happen. The what-ifs have a chance to catch up with him.

I got out of the boat. Now what?

Peter begins sinking, and as Jesus lifts him out of the water he asks, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

Why do I doubt?

I’ve heard God. I’ve obeyed. And I worry He won’t see it through. I worry I will fail. I worry the storms of life will consume me or my family.

Jesus is in front of Peter. With him. And Jesus is before me. With me.

I am still the insecure girl worried that I am going to get left alone, that I am going to fail, that God won’t do what He promised.

I am like Peter, scared of wind.

In those moments I see the way I haven’t really surrendered myself. Because if I had surrendered my life, placed it fully in Christ’s hands, I wouldn’t doubt. I wouldn’t try to pick my life back out of Christ’s hands. I would allow Christ to have His timing, His way, His outcome. My eyes would stay set on Him.

Not only do you need to believe that God can… but you have to believe that God can in YOU, and through YOU.

Crazy obedience is releasing control. It’s letting go of past failures, mistakes and heartaches.

I give God my life.

And then it’s His.

“It is not I who lives but Christ who lives in me.”

As I think of this idea of taking a leap of faith, I think of the phrase “falling in love.” Faith is jumping even when you aren’t 100% sure of the outcome. Faith is trusting that God will catch you. And the more times I free-fall from my will into His, the deeper I fall in love with Jesus.

He. Has. Always. Been. With. Me.

And I am fallingin love with Him.

Amen.

By Grace,

Amanda

Photo Credit

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Five Ways to Leave a Legacy

 
I have this desire inside me to leave behind something that endures. Passing on to my children something that they can pass on to their kids that their kids can pass on to their kids. (I think you get it.) Legacy is a passing-it-on that keeps on getting passed on.

I think of all the ways God has been faithful, the way God rescued me, showered me in the riches of His love and mercy. I want my kids to know that they know that God is good, that He loves them, that He is faithful, that He is the greatest place to put all their hopes. I want that to be passed on.

I don’t just want the idea that God is faithful to get passed on, I want the specific times and places and ways too. God is writing my story, and my story is a part of their story.
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Join me over here where I am sharing a little of my own family history and 5 ways I am intentionally leaving a legacy that points to Christ. I would love to see you there!

A few weeks back Becky from Daye by Daye asked for guest posts on leaving a legacy. I knew God wanted me to share. I met Becky at the Allume conference when I was having one of my introverted moments. She plopped down next me and started a conversation. True to introvert form, we skipped the small talk and were instantly talking of life and trials and God. She was an instant friend and such a kindred spirit. I am so glad she decided to sit next to this occasional loner!  

When Everything You Do Feels Really Small...

I am a part of a discipleship group. We meet about once a week. There are 11 of us (5 couples and one young man whose love is away at school). A few weeks ago we talked about ways we can make disciples. We talked about intentional conversations and when and where to have them. We all took a one week challenge to try to have at least one of these conversations (you know, like the grocery clerk tells you her son is sick and you take the opportunity to insert Jesus into that conversation and pray with her.)

I didn’t have a single one of those conversations that week.

And I began to feel guilty. You’re going to do this series called crazy obedience and you can’t have one conversation about Jesus, Amanda?!

Can I just say this? It seems really hard to be a crazy-obedient, disciple-making, Jesus-follower when you are a stay-at-home mom in the thick of cheerios, don’t talk with your mouth full, please don’t climb the bookshelf son, yes I will take you to the park, dishes, dinner, and bedtime… the part of motherhood that is so full of joy and kisses but also full of busy-at-home work.

So before hurdling myself headfirst into the throws of you’re-not-good-enough, you’ll-never-get-it-right… I made a list. I began thinking of every intentional and obedient thing I had done that week, no matter how small it might have looked. 

• When my kids and I drove by a home with an ambulance and we saw a stretcher going into the home, we prayed out loud for that family and the EMT’s.
• I sat and listened instead of rushing off when someone clearly needed to share their troubles...even though I was already late.
• I took a coffee to a friend and we spent time fellowshipping and encouraging each other.
• I took my kids on a few walks to the park. One time, we invited a new friend to join.
• I extended grace and spoke kindly to a slow grocer clearly having a rough day.
• I asked my husband for a few hours away so I could spend time with God.
• I made sure I text a reminder to a girl who had reached out to me and wanted to go to church.
• I scheduled help in the preschool class at church even though it was my week because I just really needed to be in service.
• I asked two teenage girls to sit by me at church.
• I looked people in the eyes and smiled at them when I was about my weekly errands.
• I brought my husband into my struggles and decisions. I allowed him to be the head of this family.

Let’s not compare lists, my gifts are different than yours, my life, my call… but do you see it? Little things done with intention.  Little things that could become big things… if God wills it.

Crazy obedience isn’t just Abraham’s moment, “Get you to a land that I will show you…” It was the daily walking it out too, the little steps in his journey. When we tell God, “Anything,” I can just about guarantee that at some point you will have a big moment, a moment that will terrify you, that won’t make much sense, a moment where you fully need God to show up because whatever it is is far too big for just you… and then there are the little daily moments. Moments that might feel insignificant,  but moments where you have the chance to practiceobedience. 

{I do believe obedience is a practice.}

Each one of those little moments with your kids help grow them into a disciple and future disciple maker.

Each one of those little conversations with the people in the grocery line has the potential for God to enter it and alter you both.

Each one of those enjoyable conversations with a friend encourages and fills you both up.

Crazy obedience is living with your life open to God, living each moment as though God could show up... and, really, He is here with me, with you. And God doesn't look at the size of the obedience... He looks at the heart. It isn't about having something to prove that you really are a follower of Christ, it's about walking in-step with Christ and trusting Him each step of the journey. Sometimes the craziest thing you can do is know that God wants you and is proud of you even when you feel like everything you do is so small. (Remember grace isn't earned.) Little acts of obedience done with God grow into big things.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin…” Zechariah 4:10

Do you ever feel insignificant or like you just do a small thing? Have you read some of this series and wondered if you could ever really be “crazy obedient?” Maybe consider writing your own list of everything you do with intention this week?

By Grace,

Amanda

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The One Thing That Will Always Get in the Way of Crazy Obedience

What if I get it wrong? 

This question often plagues me as I raise my children, as I write my blog posts, as I share the gospel following a prompting to bring God into my conversation. I worry that something I think God is asking me to do will end in a whole lot of laughter on the other person’s part, “Seriously, you thought God would heal me? I’m not even sick. You don’t hear God at all!”

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I was 18 years old, a freshman in college. I was serving as a leader in the youth ministry and co-leading a girl’s Bible study. I really, really, really wanted to find “the one” and get married. One night, after leaving a college-age Bible study, I was driving home, and the thought crossed my mind, “What if Jake is God’s will for my life?” In fact, I thought God told me that Jake was the man I would marry. 

That revelation was followed by a year-long rocky relationship that was stopped 6 months before our would-be wedding. 

I remember trying to force that relationship. I remember thinking something was wrong with me when I didn’t find Jake attractive. I must struggle with lust or something. Or what if I’m some kind of prude? I really thought I was following God’s plan for my life.

I thought Jake believed I was the one. I thought my pastor’s believed we were supposed to be together. I thought that since I had once been told I would marry a minister that surely that meant Jake was it—he was a youth pastor after all. 

I remember when I broke it off. I can’t describe the sense of freedom that I felt, the clarity after all that confusion. Jake thought I was cold and heartless, I felt like I had just been released from prison.

As sure as I was that I was not supposed to marry Jake, I had once been so sure that God wanted me to marry him. I really thought I heard God. Inside me, this lurking underlying question plagued me: If I thought I heard God tell me Jake was “the one,” and Jake really isn’t, then how can I know whether I am hearing God’s voice or not? What if I don’t really hear Him? What if I keep getting it wrong?

It felt like my faith had been shattered.

It felt like the ground I had been standing on was shaking beneath my feet.

Besides the way that God shaped my perception about this elusive “the one” that I had been seeking after so desperately (I do believe that’s a conversation for another time), God did a work in my heart. I might have felt like my faith was shattered, but it was really my pride. I learned so much in the aftermath of the collision of my pride with God’s Ways.

• I got to see the way God can work all things together for His glory, even my missteps. God IS that Big. God used this painful place in my life to work a miracle. (You can read about it here.)
• God never left me. In fact, the closer I got to my wedding day, the louder God’s warnings were. Somehow, it solidified in me just how much I can trust God. Even if I get it wrong, His love does not fail. He is relentless in His pursuit of me.  
• I got to see the way my pride stood in the way of me and God. I wanted to trust in my own ability to hear God. I wanted to be able to make sense of what I thought God told me. Deep down, I wanted to be in control.I wanted everything to appear nice on the surface, more than I wanted the deep-down, soul-touching-spirit part of me to be okay.
• I saw just how flawed and imperfect I am. And with that I saw God wrap me up in the everlasting arms of His Grace.
• I learned God's Will isn’t something you need to prove to God, but rather something He will prove to You.
• I learned to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling.
• Knowing what it's like to walk out-of-step with God makes it a whole lot easier to know what it is to walk in-step with God.

The part where I am prone to getting it wrong makes me lean all that much closer into Jesus. With each misstep, my pride shrinks. I know how much I need my Savior. I cling to Him.

I can’t save the world. I didn’t come with that power. Only Jesus.

I might get it wrong and feel like a complete idiot, but this is where I lay it down and say, “Not for my glory, but for His Glory.”

This girl who really likes to be right is learning to release that need and just stay low. Stay willing. Stay close.

I am but as Heidi Baker says, “just His vessel in the dirt.” I am but earth and clay and it is when I am low and humble that I can shine for Him. I have to pick up my cross daily and follow Him. I have to battle my pride daily. Pride will always get in the way of crazy obedience.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves." 1 Corinthians 4:7

"If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm." Psalm 37:23

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights."
Habakkuk 3:19

By Grace,

Amanda Conquers

Photo Credit

To read all the posts in the series, click the graphic.

On Listening

We live in a fast-paced world. So many things demand our attention: our kids, the husband, the facebook notifications, the phone call from a friend, the messy house, the full calendar, the stack of books on the nightstand that you promised yourself you would read this year, the 124 pinned projects you want to do and the 301 pinned recipes you want to try… It’s so easy to never slow down, to never stop. Life is loud. Life can easily be lived in a hurry.

And hurry will thwart your ability to listen. 

Hurry shouts over God’s still quiet voice.

Hurry actually believes that everything on the list of things to do is more important than stopping to listen. If God really wanted my attention, He wouldn’t give me so much to do. 

Hurry is self-centered. Hurry worries about appearances. 

Hurry shines the vase, but leaves the inside dusty.

I love the story of Mary and Martha. Martha toils and she does and she hurries and she thinks she’s doing something important. And yet, there is Mary… sitting, fellowshipping, knowing and being known by Jesus. And Mary chooses the better thing. Lunch wouldn’t have been prepared, the table wouldn’t be set, the house would be a mess, and Mary chose the better thing.

Martha treated Jesus like an honored guest in her home. Mary treated Jesus like a long lost friend, someone she just wanted spend time with before she did a single other preparation. And Jesus so clearly tells Martha how He wants to be treated: not as guest, but as friend.

Jesus wants to be known.

I am such a doer. I am task-oriented and a little type-a. I try to earn my Grace that was freely given to me. I tire myself out. But God beckons me, “Come and sit at my feet. Be refreshed. Know me. Let me be apart. Would you stop doing for me and start doing with me?”

This morning, I spent my time reading my Bible and praying. I sat down at the computer to begin writing, and I heard that still small voice, "Will you spend more time with me?" For a second, I wanted to protest: what if I don't get anything written? I have things to do. And God's gentle reminder, "Is it more important than me?" That extra time with God allowed me to see the glowing red orb of the the rising sun piercing through barren winter trees. I sensed His presense. I heard Him speak. I have learned I can do so much more with so much less, when I set aside for the Lord.

Listening is a waiting. Listening is tuning-in, it may even require that you change your location. Listening is a setting aside. 

Listening is stepping away from the hurry, from the noise of life. Listening is choosing the better thing.

A woman who listens is a woman who truly loves and desires God above all else.

Maybe today is the day to start choosing the longest line at the grocery store, to take that walk just because you long to hear God, to close the door to your bedroom and then the closet door and sit in the quiet and cry out for God to meet you where you are even if for but a few minutes. Maybe today is the day to pull over on the side of the road when you are already running late because you hear God beckoning to you thru the wild beauty of His creation.

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” Matthew 13:44

Would you chime in? Are you more of a Mary or a Martha?

By Grace,

Amanda

Photo Credit 


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On Spaghetti-Noodle Minds and 7 Ways a Woman Can Maximize Her Time with God

It is said that men are waffles and women are spaghetti. Men have compartments for everything, a time and a space for work, for family, for fun, and even for nothing.

Women are completely different. Everything is connected to everything. We long for quiet time and space. We do not understand when our husbands tell us they are thinking about nothing. We clean our houses while we worry about the problem our friend told us about earlier that day while our kids ram their push toy into our vacuum. We sit down and talk with a friend. We start off talking about the vacation she just had, which leads the vacation we wish we had, which leads to the discipline we think our children might need, which leads to the mess in our houses, which leads to the in-laws, which leads to what we have started eating for breakfast… (I think you get it).

When everything flows into everything how does one set aside time for listening? How does one quiet her mind? How does one meet with God?

Because really, how can one be crazy obedient without the words of God to guide?

I came up with a list of ways to set up your time with God that will maximize that time and draw you closer to Him.

1. Allow God to flow into everything
   Realizing that because I am a woman and everything flows into everything, God can flow into everything. Sacred time and space is important, but who says time with God can’t be in the dishes, or the vacuuming, or the errands I am running. I make it a practice to invite God into every part of my day… because the beautiful gift we have in being a women—when everything relates to everything—we can connect God to every part of our lives relatively easy. We can take God WITH us.
    
2. Pray where your mind wanders.
   I suffer from a wandering mind. For example, I might be praying but all of a sudden my mind wanders to my friend’s troubles and I am thinking of what I can say to her and no longer having a conversation with God. I am learning that God can go with my thoughts. Instead of feeling less spiritual for being a day-dreamer during my prayer time, I invite God into my dreams. I pray for whatever it is I catch myself thinking or worrying about.
      
3. Keep a notebook with you
   If you are anything like me, when you sit down to pray and read your Bible, everything you have to do for the day pops into your mind. If you don’t write it down, you worry you will forget and so you keep it in your thoughts. Keeping a notebook allows you to write your thought down so you can address it later. It helps keep the space cleared and sacred for you and God.
    
4. Pair Time with God with something you enjoy
   The BEST advice I ever got for how to set aside time with God, is to pair that time with something I already enjoy. I can’t tell you how easy it is for me to wake up earlier and spend time with God when I pair it with an iced latte with a tiny bit of chocolate added. I love that coffee. I look forward to that coffee. Because of this, my time with God has become favorite part of my day. It is not some kind of Christian chore to check off my list. It is easy for me to get up early and give God the first part of my day. (It should be noted: I am not naturally a morning person... at all.)
    
5. Connect with God where you connect easiest with God
   My mom has a special chair. I love being outside or behind the lens of a camera. I have heard of runners that connect with God through the pressing-thru of a run. I have a friend that needs a room flooded with worship music. I have a hard time connecting with God in my living room… I see the toys, I worry about waking up my kids, I worry my husband is going to walk in. Sitting outside in the cool of morning is where I most easily connect with God. Driving on back country roads, noticing beauty and pulling my car over to snap a picture is a way I naturally connect with God.
    
6. Don’t just pray, read the Word.
   The Bible is full of His words, so not only can God speak to you through the Bible, but you learn to recognize the sound of His voice. Study the Bible in a way that works for you and your attention span. Meditate on a verse at a time, read a chapter a day, the Bible in a year plan… I often use the inductive method. I read a book at a time, a bunch of times, however much I can a day (anywhere from a few verses to 5 chapters). I learn the history, the author, find the key phrases and words, notice themes, take notes all over the page. If I set myself to read a chapter a day, I fail because my brain wanders. I love history and analyzing… I was a literature major in college. This way of study works for me. I enjoy it.
    
7. Make it a Habit.
   I have heard it said that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. So, every year for the last 3 years I have set aside 21 days for prayer and fasting. I get up earlier. I give God a very intentional and focused hour of my day. This 21 day reboot digs me out of the rut my routine with God has become. It replaces the bad habits I may have acquired over the past year with good ones. So I guess my challenge to you would be to set your prayer time exactly how you would want it to go and do that for 21 days straight, and maybe even consider a fast to go along with it. Every year the 21 days is challenging, but I grow in my relationship with God by leaps. I come out of it refreshed, recharged, and able to easily give God space in my life everyday.

Is there anything from this list that you would like to implement?

What would you add to this list?


By Grace,
Amanda

Photo Credit 

Just click the graphic to see all the posts in this series.

How Suffering Strengthens Obedience {A Guest Post}

Today I have the honor of welcoming Melanie into this space. I am so excited to introduce you to her. I love her writing because of her fresh prespective, her honesty, and her way of seeing God in the everyday. When I met her in person at the Allume conference, I instantly felt she was a kindred spirit. She is meek and gentle and speaks with such love. I love reading what she writes... I think you will too ;)

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My favorite chair beckons. It’s been prepared, an afghan, my journal and my chai. I give God what must have been an obligatory question, “what should I write on?” But my thoughts have already marched down a path and I’d just like Him to come along. He blocks my marching.

Write on Suffering and Obedience.

“I think that’s a great idea. But you see, God, it will be posted on a Friday. I was really thinking of something lighter. Maybe more… cheerful?”

Do you believe that trials and waiting and sorrow have been part of you knowing me?

“Well, yes. It has been part of my story. My journey. The place where you intimately shaped me.”

And do you think that has led to greater trust in Me?

“Absolutely. A trust in your goodness and comfort. But you see, I’m writing on someone else’s blog.”

No response

“And well, I don’t want them to think I’m weird.”

I imagine He smiles. He doesn’t need to say much more. It rings true. This long walk through life that He and I have had. 

“Father, the trials in my life have indeed led to greater trust in you. As we have wrestled, surrendered and wrestled some more. You have gotten bigger, out of my safe box. And with trust and love growing, so has my desire to obey you.”

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A snapshot of our dialogue. Of living out, will I choose to be obedient? When he whispers. When he stirs up a storm. And in the moments when my heart and mind debate, these following stories cross my radar. 

The first from a memory. It’s Valentine’s Day 1999. We’ve only been dating a few weeks. All the restaurants are booked and so he creates a makeshift one of our own. In his mechanical engineering lab at his grad school. Blankets cover equipment and air flow tunnels. A crock pot simmers. Candles and flowers. Two tickets to a Big Ten basketball game after dinner. All the ways to my heart.

A few tears come when I realize I’m not remembering this story because it’s Valentine’s Day next week. I’m remembering it for the gift. A book. Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It’s an allegory of the Christian journey. Much-Afraid travels far from her family, The Fearings, to the high places of the great Shepherd. Her companions on the journey are Sorrow and Suffering.

“The Lord makes my feet like hinds’ feet and sets me upon High Places.”

Psalm 18:33 and Habakkuk 3:19

I won’t include any spoilers- if you haven’t read it, I couldn’t encourage you more to pick up a copy!  The journey she takes is transformational, abounding in love. A story of obedience accompanied by Sorrow and Suffering. Obedience that changes not only fears and hearts, but also bestows them with new names.

I loved the book when I first read it. How little did I know that her journey would be similar to ours in our hopes to be parents. Traveling every month with Sorrow and Suffering. Constant companions in our labor to bring new life. Wanting to walk with the Shepherd but wondering why some days he seemed around the bend, out of ear shot. 

The second is a poem that a friend shares.

The Well of Grief

Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief

turning down to its black water
to the place that we cannot breathe

will never know
the source from which we drink
the secret water cold and clear

nor find in the darkness
the small gold coins
thrown by those who wished for something else

~ David Whyte ~

I first came across this poem several years ago. We were in the midst of having had several miscarriages. I’m sure you can identify with grief being a “place that we cannot breathe”.  But that is also the place where we discover the “source from which we drink” and we find riches that can only be found when we go there. I had not thought of these words in many years. And they come back in God’s way and timing.

That these two stories come across my path amazes me. They catch my breath because I suddenly become aware that God is very much with us. He gives both confirmations that this is what to write about. Then he gives the content too.

He focuses me back on the beauty of which suffering unveils. The losses, disappointments and trials of life become means of grace. Walking these paths produces obedience. However walking the path is not my first reaction. I tend to go one of two ways when trials detour me.

1. I give up. I deny the very desires God has placed in me. I try to look like a good Christian, a false sense of trust. “I should have known better.” “I never really wanted to be a mom.” “I am just fine, God is in control.”
2. I strive. I decide to make things happen at all cost. I run ahead and help God out. “If I just work harder and try more.” “I deserve to be a mom.” “Good things come to those who go out and get them.”

But what is the way that God invites? Wait. And He will lift me up. 

Still enough that my soul feels the weight, the sadness, the injustice. Letting layers and platitudes go, so that my heart breaks.

Bringing all of the shards of a broken heart and disappointment and confusion of dreams lost to the only one who has strength enough to hold it. Knowing that to Him, my questions are never too much. My tears are never rejected.

Seeking his face, that is where my obedience lies. Not pretending. Not fearing. 

Letting him restore me. That is where my obedience grows. 

Obedience connected back to the life giving vine. Letting him know we are dying inside while we tell the world we are doing fine. Letting him give,  out of the vastness of his resources. Connecting back  to him when we have no strength left. 

We bring him our hearts. Not sugar coated. Not what we think we ought to bring. In this obedient space crafted by sorrow, this is where we can begin “to run in the paths of his commands for he has set our hearts free.” (Psalm 119:32)

This is where we long for the day where “sorrow and sighing will flee and gladness and joy will overtake them.” (Isaiah 35:10)

This is the soul expanding place where obedience shines in its reward and joy takes the stage.

Thank you Amanda for opening your space! It’s fun to come over and notice God together in this journey of Crazy Obedience.

Melanie writes at Blue Marble God on noticing God in everyday life. She’s a pastor’s wife who loves exploring life with her husband Rob, embracing motherhood via adoption to Samuel and drinking chai.

{top image credit}

What if God Asks Me to do Something Weird?!

 

I was in Marshall’s with my sister admiring little girls’ clothes. We were laughing atwith each other.

A noise breaks through the sound of our own laughter—yelling. I hear it coming from different locations in the store.

As the intensity of the noise increases, fear rises in my heart.

“Do you hear that? What is that noise, Kelly?”

I look around and see about a dozen full grown Latino men in flannel and dickies, some sporting tear drop tattoos (what we call cholo-wear in California. In case this is specific to California, allow me to educate you: cholo is slang for latino gangster). The men are shouting. A few have megaphones. They are all over the store.

I'd spent enough time living in this world to firmly believe that we either needed to duck underneath the clothes racks or run for the exits.

My heart is racing. My fight or flight responses have kicked it into high gear.

Run? Or Hide?

“Dude, Kelly. We need to get out of here now.”

And then I hear it:

“I just want to tell you Jesus loves you.”

One of the supposed “cholos” hands me a flyer to an event.  And then he tells me. “We’re just here to tell you Jesus loves you.”

I am stunned. I don’t want his flyer. I don’t want his Jesus. I don’t want anything he’s offering. I just want out of that store and maybe a brown paper bag to breathe into.

The men were kicked out of the store. As I watched them parade through the parking lot, I saw innocent shoppers briskly power-walking into the stores, hanging their heads, just trying to be invisible to the army of ex-cholo Jesus-lovers. I was perplexed. Is that you God? Is that how You want to be made known? Does that really work?

God didn’t give me an answer. I got the distinct feeling it was between the zealous ex-gangsters and God. 

But it did get me thinking.

I want to make Christ known. I want to bury my life to see Christ raised up in me. I want to be that foolish thing that confounds the wise if that’s what it takes. I want to see God move through me so that the only explanation of how it worked is the power of God.

I will be foolish. But I really, really don’t want to be weird.

I don’t want slam through a department store armed with a megaphone because, to be quite frank, it’s obnoxious and it scares people. I don’t want to stand on a crate on a street corner declaring, “The end of the world is near. Turn and repent from your wicked ways.” I don’t want to pray really loudly in tongues for a waitress in the middle of her shift, trying to exert my hands in such a way that she will be “slain in the spirit”—in the middle of a busy restaurant when she reluctantly let me pray for her. (True story. I was that waitress.)

But at the same time, I want to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Because, really, who am I to judge whether or not God asked someone to do any of those things I consider weird?? If but one person comes to know Christ as a result… isn’t it worth it? And shouldn’t I be willing, if God asked it of me? Who am I to do all the sense-making anyways? Aren’t God’s ways beyond our own?

So I have been praying through a list of things that could clarify at least in our own hearts the difference between foolish and weird.

Foolish:

• Foolish is abandoning the fear of man.
• Foolish is going lower instead of higher.
• Foolish is seeking to be last instead of first.
• Foolish is upside down.
• Foolish doesn’t make human-sense.
• Foolish is hiding yourself in God.
• Foolish is refusing to make a name for yourself, but rather bringing glory to His name.

Weird is actually the opposite.

Weird:

• Weird wants attention.
• Weird thinks there is a formula to the power of God. It tries to manufacture what only God can do.
• Weird actually makes sense to the weirdo.
• Weird is uncomfortable in one’s own skin and overcompensating for it.  
• Weird wants to be important, recognized.

{Bottom line: The difference between foolish and weird is really found in the motives of my heart. Pride seems to have a funny way of discoloring faith put into action. The best way to avoid being weird is to simply walk in step WITH Jesus.}


What do you think? Anything to add to the lists? And then the big question, can you abandon fear and reason and do whatever God would ask of you??


Looking forward to some conversation on the matter.


By Grace,
Amanda



To read all the posts in this series, click the graphic.

What Obedience Really Means

I had worn some kind of title, some kind of position of authority, since a few months after I started going to the church I now attend some 12 years ago. I had always felt a call to do the work of the ministry. And then I became a momma. And it wasn’t just the cut-and-dry you are a mom now, no more work for you. It was when I felt the pull of home against the pull of work, my relationship with God came unraveled. This task-oriented, over-achiever had built so much of her relationship around doing, and now I couldn’t do very much.

I defined myself by what I did.

When you are stripped of what you think gives you worth, you discover your worth in God's eyes. And sure, God is all about ministry. But ministry does not equal relationship. Ministry without relationship goes by another name: religion. And a minister without relationship goes by another name: pharisee.

And what made me a religious pharisee??

The fear of man over the fear of God.

“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other.” Matthew 6:24

Grant it this verse is referring to wealth, but I think the truth here applies to approval as well. I was serving man’s approval--my own desire to be wanted, and trying my little heart out to build my own place in the world. So long as I preferred to serve my own ambition and my need to not face rejection, I couldn’t truly serve God.

I have always had this need to be seen, to be liked. (I talk more about this here). I remember driving through the industrial section of my town, the road stretching on with cold steel frame buildings, logoed trucks, tractors, and one bar called “The Watering Hole.” Men at work. And I cried out to God, revealed the most vulnerable, raw part of myself… what if I walk away from it all, and no one sees me, no one cares about me, no one wants to know me? What if I lose this place and discover there is no place for me?

God’s soft voice kept playing on repeat: Find your place in Me, Amanda. Find your place in Me.

Through tears, I released. I let go. I surrendered. I jumped into my fearful unknown—being a nobody.

I jumped hoping God would catch me, hoping I would have a place in Him after all.

It’s been almost a year—a year of walking with God, knowing Him, and being known. A year of finding myself in my Father’s eyes. A year of stripping away the things that I defined myself by and allowing God to define me.

The biggest gift this past year? I can honestly say that I love God, I might even be able to say I love Him more than anything.

More than anything.

Obedience isn’t about what you do FOR God. Obedience is doing WITH God.

Obedience flows from a place of love and humility. Obedience is abandoning your own way. Obedience is leaning in close to hear God’s plans.

Obedience starts at square 1: knowing that God loves you and you don’t have to do anything to earn that love.

And square 2?: You falling in love with God—knowing God—finding your place in God.

It’s abiding in Him and that apart from Him you can do nothing.

It’s simply knowing God.

And the only way to get to know Him? Spending time with Him. Allowing Him to have a place in every part of your life. Reading His Word. Not just talking but listening.

“No longer do I call you servants… but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you.” John 15:15

Do you hear Him calling? That still quiet voice. Come away with me. Come taste and see that I am good. Come and know me, know my ways. Find your place in me.

Do you struggle with wanting people’s approval more than God’s??

By Grace,
Amanda

The Best Place to Start a Topic Like Obedience...

Today marks the beginning of a series called Crazy Obedience. You can read more about this series here, here, here, or here (just click one, it’s the same post located at different blogs). As a reminder there is a giveaway going on that ends tonight at midnight, so if you were wanting a chance at winning, do sign up!

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Photo Credit, words added by me

I feel hesitant to write on such a big topic… and one so widely spoken on and written about. But I know deep down in my knower, that this is exactly where I must start this series.

God's Love.

Vast. Immeasurable. Big. Wide. Deep. Unfathomable.

“And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” Ephesians 3:18-19, NLT

I think of my kids. I remember potty training Addy: 9 months long and a whole lot of tears. And my daughter may have been stubborn. And she may have gotten it wrong for what seemed like a really long time. But my love never wavered. My patience was tested, my vocabulary was improved (because let’s not even go there with the things I really wanted to say after the 5th accident in one day), but my love was constant, steadfast, and immovable.

God’s love is like that. Constant. Steadfast. Immovable. You can’t earn it. Try to be worthy of it. You just have it.

I think this truth is a really important place to start in the pursuit of crazy obedience. Here’s my reasons:

1. You need to know that if you never do anything of any significance for God—never lead a soul to Christ, never lay hands on the sick, never give a large sum of money to the church—you and God can still be okay. This is not me saying to sit back on your blessed assurances and never do anything for the cause of Christ. This is me saying that you can’t earn God’s love. So often, the zeal of doing for Christ can warp into this “look at me and how much I am doing for God.” I say this because our own pride will turn wanting to live for Christ into a contest of accomplishments. 
2. In remembering how much God’s loves me, I remember how much God loves everyone. The gang banger, the homeless beggar, the prostitute, the transvestite, the prisoner… and God doesn’t label them. He just loves.  
3. One of my pastor friends had this on his facebook wall (I so swooped. Thanks Nathan!): You cannot give what you have not received. If you haven’t received God’s love, how can you share it??

Above all else, God wants your heart. Not your achievements.

God chooses to use us… earthen clay vessels so that we can testify to the surpassing greatness of God. God doesn’t need us. He chooses us. Your achievements mean nothing if you can’t manage to live knowing God.

“You’ll protest, ‘But we’ve known you all our lives!’ only to be interrupted with his abrupt, ‘Your kind of knowing can hardly be called knowing. You don’t know the first thing about me’.” Luke 13:26-27, MESS

Sometimes I can be a little type-A, and I totally struggle with trying to earn God's love. Sometimes I get wrapped up in people pleasing and in trying to add to my list of acheivements so that I look okay to everyone else. But what freedom is found in this simple message: God loves me and doesn't need me to do anything! God rewarded Mary who sat at His feet and got to know Him over Martha who toiled over cleaning and preparing and doing.

I stand back in awe of God. His deep Love; His upside-down, last-will-be-first kingdom; and the invitation to know--really know--the God of the universe.

Wow. We are offered the chance to KNOW Him.


So, I guess the question is: do you KNOW God? And do you know how much God loves you?



By Grace,

Amanda




Want to read more posts on this series? Click the graphic.

If you would like to take the 30 day challenge to grow in obedience (and what it really means to follow Christ), you can sign up to join the facebook group here. 

If you would like to start receiving my posts in your inbox, just enter your email address in the upper right hand box. 

I Might Just Burst with Excitement! {An Announcement}

Today I have the honor and privilege of kicking off a month-long series at some dear friends' blogs.

And I am doing the series here too.

And I really want you to do the series with me.

I've been praying and fasting and preparing for this for a few months. YEEE!

I'm a little (yeah, okay, A LOT) excited about all this.

So, would you join me at one of these places so I can tell you all about it?? (There's a familiar testimony, a challenge, a chance to learn how to really follow Jesus with a bunch of heart-sisters from all over, AND a giveaway.)

Blue Marble God
Faith and Simplicity

My Words, His Glory

Shine, Sister, Shine

See you in a few ;)

By Grace,
Amanda

When Your Life Changes

On Monday, our lives changed.

Mike was sworn in. He is officially in law enforcement.

It was a proud moment. There were tears when I pinned his badge (I nearly turned into a heaving, ugly-cry, sobbing mess) and again when I shook the hand of the captain who was in charge of hiring.

Being a copper's wife was definitely not on my radar when we married. In fact, I am fairly certain I had written a list of things I would never marry--cop was at the very top.

But here we are, starting this journey. God has been gracious enough to give me five years to adjust to the idea. I've seen my husband's heart grow with a passion for the law and the way God uses men and women to bring peace to people in their lowest moments and most difficult trials.

I know my life, my children's lives, my husband's life has been forever changed. I admit to being terrified. How rough will our marriage be? What will it be like for our kids growing up with a dad who sees the hardest parts of life on a daily basis? Will my husband change so much that I hardly recognize him? Will he be okay? What if he is injured {or worse} in the line of duty? All these questions, but I sense the very real presence of God. I AM, and I AM WITH YOU. I am choosing to trust God in spite of unknowns.

I am surrendered and taking it one day at a time, and, you know, I am excited too.

Also, I would like to note that I discovered I am now married to a man in uniform. And I think he looks pretty dang good in one ;)

I would love to know if you are in a high-stress, life-on-the-line career or married to someone who is?? Any advice to offer this rookie wife??


By Grace,
Amanda

Warrior Scars

I need to say something.

It’s a little off my normal topics. I may even need to use off-color language. 

I read this article found on a blog that an old acquaintance had mentioned as being hilarious. I am sure it was meant to be funny… one of those “here’s me be super real and in a funny way so that you can feel more normal about yourself” kind of things. This woman talked about the state of her body after having 4 children: gravity-stricken and shriveled breasts, the state of her “lady town,” her muffin-top tummy, varicose veins... 

And yep, this stuff is all a part of growing older and having children.

But I gotta be honest. As I was reading this, it made me angry.

If your husband was to go to war and come home with scars, would you love him more or less??

Why is it that when we do this crazy bold thing—carry life in our bellies, push that life out into the world in the most excruciating and courageous way, nourish our babies from our very own breasts—somehow we think ourselves less beautiful???

We carry life! We nourish life. We raise life, mold it and shape it. And when we look in the mirror and see our fluffy bellies, our C-section scar, our saggier breasts, our dark circles under our eyes, the veins on our legs, our stretch marks... somehow all we see is ugly?!?! We can’t see the battle scars, the marks of an overcomer, a warrior woman?! Blessed with children? Blessed with life? 

We see our perineal scars, our bladder that never works the same, our stretched out hoo-hoo… and somehow see ourselves as LESS than what we used to be… less deserving of the love of our man?! Somehow more insecure?

Um…

You catching my drift?!

You, dear one, are beautiful. No, not young, and not without scars. But your age is your royal garment, your children are your crown.

As mothers, we make a mark on the world—one we make with our own bodies, on our own bodies. We give life. We carry it, birth it, nourish it, stay up all hours of the night comforting it, we instill Jesus, kiss boo-boos, teach how to live. We! Women! How crazy amazing and beautiful is our high calling?! 

{Psst… Please don’t hear me as putting down anyone who would choose to work away from the home, or that motherhood is somehow the end all high calling and there is no other.}

Somehow our society likes to separate the hard parts about life from the gifts that come with it, slap a label on the complaining and call it “being real,” and make it scary, ugly, horrifying. I hear women adamantly refusing to breastfeed because of what it might do to their bosoms, women terrified to age, women actually opting for the 3+ week recovery time of a c-section just so everything stays tight in their lowers… Women who are terrified of being ugly. 

Women who think age and child-bearing is ugly.

Is this not upside down?! Twisted?! Horrible?!  Maybe even narcissistic?!

Could we please stop allowing society to feed us the lies of what beautiful looks like?

Could we please start seeing ourselves as beautiful, sexy, strong warriors again?!

I know there are some underlying society issues that could take some of the blame: like single parenthood, divorce rate, pornography addiction epidemic to name a few. And I’m not exactly sure what the answer is. But perhaps, it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea to start by seeing our God-given gifts in our scars and passing this feeling of self-worth, this warrior-woman, look-at-what-I-get-to-do spirit onto our daughters… for didn’t the greatest gift the world ever received leave behind scars?

{By the way, remind me I wrote this when I get closer to my 30^th birthday milestone. I may need to remember this again when I start to complain of aging and gray hairs and a slowing metabolism.}

{Could I just add a little clarification in case this isn’t super clear? I really want to make sure you hear my heart: it’s not to stir up controversy; it’s not to make a woman feel terribly who doesn’t want children or chooses not to breastfeed. Really, my heart is just to offer a different perspective through which to see your postpartum body—that you are beautiful, a warrior, worthy of honor.}

Alright, your turn. What do you think??

By Grace,
Amanda 

Finding Contentment... Because, Seriously, Sometimes It's Hard to Find

Last night’s scene looked a little like this:

Husband is in bed reading Lord of the Rings. I hop into bed, set my alarm, and play a game of spider solitaire on my phone. I hear little Jed noises coming from the closet—his bedroom. His little voice trying out all the words he knows but would like to say. And then he moves on to singing. Mike and I listen with such grateful contentment. I take a deep breath and inhale this moment, hold it, and slowly exhale. 

And then it occurs to me, this moment is courtesy of our small apartment and Jed’s closet bedroom. I get to lie in bed listening to the sweet little sounds of my boy talking and singing himself to sleep.

Awe. :)

I’ve been wanting out of here. A larger place. A backyard. 3+ bedrooms. A family room. Each day this place feels smaller. With each passing week, the time it takes for my children to take my just cleaned house to look like a small tornado passed through gets shorter and shorter {I am pretty sure it currently takes about 20 minutes to go from clean to disaster. My kids are masters of disasters}.

But anywhere else, I wouldn’t get to lay my head down to the sweet noise of my handsome little man babbling himself to sleep.

God isn’t in the house I wish I had. He’s here. And there are gifts here—beautiful moments I wouldn’t trade for the whole world. 

Okay, so now, I am slowing myself down, finding all the things I can be grateful for HERE, recalibrating my heart, finding myself content again.

What do you do when you find yourself discontent and wanting change? Maybe if you are battling discontentment, go find one precious gift you couldn’t have anywhere else? Would you share it with us?

By Grace,

Amanda

A Testimony 5 Years in the Making

I firmly believe in celebrating… just about everything.

And today? Today, I am planning a celebration for my husband. Will you allow me to tell you why?

Just shy of 5 years ago, My husband and his dad had a cabinet refinishing business. As the economy slowed, their business came to a grinding halt without much warning. My husband struggled to find work. At five months pregnant with Addy, we were forced to move into my parent’s house.

Mike took whatever jobs he could find: concrete, construction, winery hand, census, night-time security guard, and pest control. He has been employed by 10 different places over the last 5 years… and not by choice.

We lived at my parents for 2 years and in a tiny studio apartment above my church for almost a year, before getting to where we live now.

During the past 5 years, we’ve cried. We’ve thrown some “why me?!” temper tantrums. We’ve made difficult decisions. We’ve battled depression. We’ve watched our “American dream” shatter. We’ve found a far better dream—to live each day WITH God. We’ve leaned into God and discovered just how much we can trust Him to provide our daily bread. We’ve received random checks in the mail and gifts that were exactly what we needed at that moment. We’ve huddled close as a family. In all the shaky times, our faith has become steadfast, immovable.

Our security is no longer found in the economy, in home ownership, or in a great job with great benefits. We’ve seen just how uncertain those can be.

But God, God is always Faithful. Though life may constantly change, in Him we have found a security that never fails.

In the midst of having to reevaluate what he wanted to do with his life, Mike looked into a particular career that had always interested him: law enforcement. He got hired with an agency that paid for him to go academy. Three weeks shy of graduation, he failed out (meaning he missed the passing score by one on one single test. He had done well at everything.) He lost that dream job.

We felt so crushed. 

A few years later, while looking into going back to school, I encouraged him to try for that dream job one more time. This time, we paid for the schooling. Mike worked full-time during the day and went to school at night and the weekends. It was hard (you may have heard me mention this… a lot). After failing out of one academy, this time around he managed to graduate at the top of his class, maintained perfect attendance, and was honored with a special award for integrity. 

In less than two weeks, after a grueling and uncertain hiring process, Mike will start his new job. And even better, it’s with the same agency he had the original job with when he failed out of academy. Can you say RESTORATION?!

5 years after the initial job loss that led Mike to rethink what he wanted to do with his life, 4 years after being hired in law enforcement, 3 years after failing out of academy, after 9 long months of schooling and working fulltime, after a 7 month hiring process that has included a whole lot of rejection… God has made a way for Mike to do what he believes he’s called to do.

And you know, looking back, I can honestly say God wasn’t sporadic. He didn’t stop blessing us when the economy went south and suddenly decide to start blessing us again. No. He has been with us, blessing us, every.single.step.in.this.journey. And I know He will continue to, no matter what the future holds.

God is so Good. So Faithful. And it isn’t today that we start living now that Mike has the job he wants. No, we’ve been living all along. And it has been hard, yes. But, oh, it has been so good too.

Okay. And now I get to shout out loud:

WHOO-HOO!!!

It’s time to celebrate God’s faithfulness, goodness, and grace… and welcome this new season into our lives.

It's time to celebrate the hard-working man who persevered, who put his family before his pride, who may have felt so beat up along the way, who pressed thru with excellence. I couldn't be prouder to be his wife, or more blessed. My husband is a champion. And a hero.

Okay, one more time, please:

WHOO-HOO!!!

By Grace,

Amanda

Making Sense

Photo Credit

I wanted to check in and let you know how my prayer visit to the park went. 

Nothing major happened. There were no lightning flashes or jet plane line writing in the sky saying, “This is My will for you, Amanda.” There were a couple of Latinos hanging around, an old woman shouting into her cell phone in what sounded like a Southeast Asian language, a black man carrying his groceries. City. I saw lots of blue tagging, remnants from a birthday party scattered throughout the park, colorful apartments, windows with bars… I saw a place God wanted to touch. And not because it’s colorful or poor, but because God wants to reach it.

I saw hope.

I keep trying to make sense of what God is doing. It’s like I want to take the few puzzle pieces God has given me, color in what I don’t have and try to see the whole picture. I want it to make sense. 

Because, really, it doesn’t make sense. 

My mom and I were talking about the story of the rich young ruler (Mark 10:17-22). She had written a devotional on holding back. For some reason our conversation went to how not only can we struggle with holding back our money or our time, but we can also hold back the “sense-making.” I may not be a rich woman, but I surely value knowledge. I want to make sense of it all. I want to know the reasons why. I want to be able to give a reasonable explanation to someone. And I suppose I don’t trust God to make sense of it. In a way, I am holding back “sense” because I keep trying to do the sense-making.

(Does that make sense??) :)

And I think of familiar Bible stories. Gideon. David and Goliath. The walls of Jericho. The jars of oil. The birth Isaac. I could go on, but perhaps you see it. God loves to do things that don't make any human sense. 

I don’t know exactly what to do other than to wait, fast and pray. So that’s exactly what I am doing.

I might want to hear now. To know exactly what to do now. But I told God that I didn’t want to live FOR Him, I want to live WITH Him. I refuse to race down to the end of this journey so I can know where I am going (as if I could even know that anyways), and I am grabbing His hand. I am trusting. One day at a time.

And today, I really don’t know very much… but I do get to know Him better! 

Have you ever obeyed God when it didn't make sense?? I'd love to hear about it!

By Grace, 

Amanda

I'm back from break!! Some news, some dreams, some scary and some hope.

Okay. So this picture doesn't really have anything to with this post. But seriously, red rain boots, overalls, and a super hero cape?? I may be biased because it's my son and all, but this is cute! :)

I am back from my break.

And I have some news. I have been wanting to write about what it means to follow Christ. God’s been dealing with my heart about obedience.

You know that count the cost, pick up my cross, care way more about “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done” than what anyone else thinks about me—Crazy Obedience.

Okay. And this may make me sound all super spiritual and like I am something special. I’m not. I’m just Amanda: housewife and mom who dabbles a little in writing and is falling in love with her Savior. I mess up. I get it wrong. I struggle with pride. I am easily side-tracked. I require coffee to function in the morning and have been known to growl at my husband before said coffee is flowing through me. I’ve ignored God’s voice before because I didn’t like what He asked me to do. I’m not the person that can strike up conversations with perfect strangers in the grocery store. I think you get it… I am just me.

I prayed a prayer a while back. “God I will do anything… God I don’t want to be where it’s safe anymore…” and immediately following that prayer God asked me to walk to a pub in the middle of an unfamiliar city to share the gospel with a man from the Ivory Coast. I am forever changed. God and I started on a journey of what it means to obey.

Starting February, I get to share with you some of what it means be crazy obedient… and how anyone (no matter who you are or where you’re at) can walk it out in their own life. I even have some dear-Jesus-blogging-sisters participating in this journey with me (more on this to come).

But starting right now, I think God is asking me to write here. To write my journey. Where I am at now.

This is super uncomfortable for me. I share lots of stuff here… and most of it scares me to share. But I rarely write my current struggles. I think God is asking me to share with you my daily, walking-it-out, crazy-obedience journey.

And this is scary (like 10,000 miles out of my comfort zone scary) because it means sharing some of the God-sized dreams God’s put in my heart. Dreams that I worry you would laugh at or roll your eyes at if you knew what I thought God wanted little, prideful, silly Amanda to do. I worry I will get it wrong, fail miserably, or even get it right but it be just some little tiny thing that’s no big deal when compared with, say, Heidi Baker’s crazy obedience (like why in the world would I think it’s worth sharing with you?).

And yet, in spite of the fear, I have to obey.

So today, I am driving to a gnarly neighborhood in the currently most violent city in the United States, and I am praying because God’s called me to the poor, the broken, the gang-banger, and especially the children of these. I am quieting my self to hear what God would speak. I always thought this was something I would do later in life when my kids were grown, but for some reason I think the time might be now. All of a sudden, God’s flung the door wide open.

I am terrified.

But here’s what God spoke to me this morning as I prayed: My sufficiency has an end. God’s sufficiency knows no bounds. And if God’s put a God-sized dream in your heart… yep! It means you WILL be insufficient to carry it out. But, good news: God is ALWAYS sufficient.

And when you live beyond the limits of your own abilities, you get to see God show up.

And hey reader, whether God’s asking you to do the big thing of evangelizing to perfect strangers or the what-seems-like-a-small-thing-but-is-really-a-super-big-thing of being faithful to your job or loving on your children… where you lack, you can trust Him to be sufficient. His grace, His love, His strength, His patience, His goodness… it knows no bounds.

And another little side note: Whether obedience looks like praying over a ghetto or getting up and making breakfast for little people… obedience is all God requires. And obedience is always a BIG thing to do!

So good to be back to writing! And I sure would love to hear from you. Have you ever lived outside your own sufficiency and saw God show up?? Like seriously, maybe you would share?! It might encourage us! (I know this girl could use it! :))

Amanda

On Fear and Freedom

I am stroking blonde strands on a tired head. She nuzzles into me in pink sheets covered with the faces of Rapunzel, Snow White, Belle and Aurora. It’s past her bedtime. She should already be asleep. But she’s flung herself across my lap. She’s sweet and quiet, and I am enjoying this moment.

My fingers run across something rough in her hair. What sticky mess is in your hair now, dear one? I pull at it. It’s stuck. Sticker? Candy?

 

I pull back the honey-gold hair curtain fully expecting to see something along the lines of a flower sticker from her Pretty Pink Doodle Purse. I am immediately jarred… I see a tick on her scalp. TICK!

A shriek escapes my throat before I can catch it. I missed the first rule of parenting under duress… keep calm so your child remains calm. My daughter caught my shriek and now she is gripped.

“What is it?” her shrill response from a face with eyes larger than the moon—panic-stricken.

I begin searching for calm, soothing words. I struggle to find them. “I need you to sit real still and don’t touch your head. It’s just a tick, baby. It startled me. It’s fine. I’ll get it.”

I call my husband who is out of town and doesn't answer. I call my mom who's not quite sure what to do. I call the advice nurse who looks up the proper removal technique and then leaves me alone to deal with the tick.

And I feel alone. Gripped. No one to do this thing I feel I can’t do on my own.

I pray. I muster courage. I grab tweezers and a plastic baggy. I take a deep breath (okay, 10 deep breaths). I grab that sucker and pull. I see the skin lift away from my daughter's skull as I tug. I keep pulling. She screams and jerks away. The tick would not let go.

I feel Helpless. Hopeless. Defeated. And Alone.

I do the only thing this girl knows to do when her husband, mom and the advice nurse can’t help. I cry. And then I pray. And then I call my mom again.

“You have to be brave, Amanda. You’re her mom. You might not like this part of your job. But you have to be brave. You can do this. You have to try again.”

My mom sings silly songs to my daughter and I try again. I pull. I muster all my strength against the anchor this foul creature has under my daughter’s skin. After the 5 seconds that feel like an hour, it releases.

It Releases. I Exhale.

My mom, my daughter, and I rejoice.

I place the tick in the plastic baggy, and with my daughter watching, I do what any homemaking momma would do to a nasty bug… I take a meat mallet to it.

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In my teen years I struggled with panic attacks. It got to the point where I had 2-3 a week. I experienced a supernatural touch from God when I was just shy of 18. I gave God my life, and He gave me freedom from anxiety.

Fast forward 10 years. I am pregnant with my son. I am in a crowded parking lot searching for a space so I can get to my 24 week check-up. I find a space about to be emptied. I wait. A car drives around me and tries to take the parking space for which I had been patiently waiting. When I attempt to assert my “dibs,” she tries to run into me. I peel away—angry, racked with panic—and hyper-ventilation immediately ensues (and then in classic pregnant woman fashion… I boo-hoo cry).

After that experience, I was fine… until I found myself in another crowded parking lot. I began to find myself more anxious than usual. I seemed to become over-wrought with worry over all the horrific things than could happen in my life or to my children. I stopped wanting to go shopping because of what the parking lot might look like. When one minor misunderstanding with a neighbor left me hyper-ventilating and gripped with fear, I realized it. I pulled back the curtain and saw the life-sucking parasite named fear anchored in me.

A tick finds its host by sensing body heat. A tick likes a furry host so it can gorge itself in privacy. Upon finding its victim, it cuts a small hole and inserts its hypestome (works just like an anchor). Its saliva produces an anticoagulant and an immune suppressor so the host’s natural healing and defense mechanisms against parasites can’t work. As it sucks blood, it simultaneously releases by-products (your digested blood) back into you, making them great disease distributors.

Fear is kind of like the tick. It looks for an unsuspecting victim. It sets itself upon us when we are too flustered to notice or care (maybe a car accident, a death, a tragic event…). It anchors down into us so that it isn’t until a similar situation comes up that we find it, and, by then, it has sunk down deep and will not easily let go. It manages to suppress our ability to heal from a distressing situation. Fear is isolating: it suppresses our Christian immune system of community. Fear will suck life and truth out of you and simultaneously release toxic ideas into you that skew the way you perceive life and God.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

I had began this post like 6 months ago, but for some reason I didn't think it was time to share it. And now, since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting happened, I can’t shake the knowing that I must share. I sense the fear in my own life. I want to add that tragedy to the list of reasons why I want to homeschool. I hear it from my friends, the horror, the weeping, the way they didn’t want to send their own children to school the next Monday. 

It is horrific.

And I make no offering of sense where there isn’t any. 

How?! And why?! And if God is good, and this is so evil, how could He let this happen? 

I see the way this tragic event like so many before it becomes like a blood sucking tick. The way it latches on during a tragedy, changes the way we behave, the way we perceive life and God. The way we become gripped with fear when we come face to face with the reality of how fleeting and precious life is and that evil does exist in the most awful of ways. The way we grasp for control and take away our trust in God.

Guns or no guns. Prayer in schools or not. Fear remains.

And life in fear is no freedom. In fact, fear is the opposite of freedom.

I do believe that there are two kinds of fear. One whose other name is wisdom. It recognizes we live in a fallen world and that accidents happen.  Wisdom is alert and active. It teaches her children things like not getting into cars with strangers and where to find peace in the midst of chaos. Wisdom points us to the Answer. It points us to God.

 

And then there is the fear that grips and distorts and replaces freedom with worry. It worries to send her children to school, it justifies her actions by what she is afraid of, and it imprisons her from the very life God intended her to have. It whispers promises of control. And fear is controlling. It is irrational. It sees problems as bigger and more present than they are. Fear isolates. Fear doubts God.

 

It is for freedom that you have been set free.  

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

And how is it that one lives free from fear??

The first step is recognizing fear and its hold on one’s life. It’s searching like I searched my daughter’s scalp for the foreign object latched to her head, like I searched my life for what was causing anxiety attacks.

The Bible says, “Perfect Love casts out all fear.” Love is the tweezers that plucks fear out. The crux of the gospel isn’t found in you figuring out how to love God, it’s in embracing just how much God loves you. That’s the hard part. It’s trusting and believing that if God loves You, He won’t withhold anything from you, that He is good even when we can’t make sense of this life. And when you begin to catch a glimpse of God’s Love, fear cannot stand. We fear when we doubt God’s love, when we think He would take something away. Hope is what gives sight to what life could be, the freedom you were meant for, that fear is no way to live. Faith is the courage that causes you to grab your tweezers and pull and to keep pulling... and if necessary to still keep on pulling till fear releases its grip. Faith, Hope, and Love. And the greatest is Love.

Ann Voskamp says:

 All fear is but the notion that God’s love ends… Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is never going to be enough… In [God] blessings never end because [His] love for you never ends. (from 1000 Gifts, 161)

Really, worry is just disbelief in God. And are we not believers? Should we not trust in spite of evil and unknowns?? Is this place even our home?

And these three things will remain:

Hope that God will set things right. Hope that we could live free in a broken world. Hope that this place is not our home.

Faith, a courageous action, that obeys and trusts God and takes Him at His word… no matter what this world looks like or how you might feel. Faith that is bigger than irrational worries.

And Love. Oh, lean into His love! Love that casts out fear. For He loves you and is so good.

It is time to get out the tweezers and pluck.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

And it is for freedom that you have been set free.

 

Maybe you would like to share? How has Friday's tragedy affected you? Have you found yourself afraid?

By Grace,

Amanda 

Credits: Information about ticks was found here on the Purdue University's entomology website.

Verses Used in the order that they appear: Galatians 5:1, 1 John 4:18, and 1 Corinthians 13:13 

On Roots and Holy Ground

Photo Credit

I once heard a tale of a redwood tree.

People from all over the world would come to observe this tall giant. They would stand and look straight up into the sky trying to find the treetop. Tourists would take pictures standing next to the tree, attempting to capture the greatness of God and the smallness of man.

One day the great tree fell.

The cause of this fall wasn't from a storm, a lumberjack, or old age. The tree toppled from overexposure: too many people had walked, trampled on the ground where it's roots were.

Take off your sandals for the place where you stand is holy ground.

The tree fell from lack of space.

We all need space--sacred, holy ground.

One might think the stronger the relationship, the more it could be exposed, looked at, and withstand being trampled upon.

The more intimate the relationship, the wider the roots spread, the greater the need for space is.

Intimacy creates sacred--the need for pure and undefiled space.


This girl is craving a real and healthy relationship with God--the God that we celebrate during this season as God-become-man, Immanuel--God WITH us. I want to know Him as WITH me!

I desire a relationship with God that is unseen just as much as it is seen. I once lived thinking my relationship with God could be sustained by all that I did--by all the above ground stuff. I lived waiting for the rain of the Spirit (and, dare I even admit, the rain of affirmation) to touch my leaves. I began to whither because my roots didn't go down deep. And if I am honest, I came very close to a spiritual death.

And now... God and I are becoming intimate. I am getting to really know Him, spending time with Him, putting Him first in my life. And He is beginning to flow through everything. My roots are going down deep into living water. And when your roots are in living water, it can't help but flow through everything and change everything. Oh, it is so good friends! How I crave this for each of you!

Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Colossians 2:7



Would you be so brave as to share: how is the health of your spiritual roots?? Maybe we can encourage one another? I am also pondering this bit of deepness: what are the boundaries you can put in place to keep your sacred ground from getting trampled and still be a disciple-maker (you know, letting people look into your life and encouraging them by how you live)?? I would love to hear your thoughts.



By Grace,

Amanda


Just a quick little note: I did want you all to know that I am finding that I need to be quiet this season and lean into my Savior-become-friend. There may not be too many posts around here this month. Do know I am here, and I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are always welcome leave me a note in my email box, on Twitter or on Facebook--in fact, it kinda makes my day :)

Poor (Pt. 2)

I think of Peter and John—men who had given their all to follow Christ, men who lived on the day-to-day provision of God.

As they walk by the Beautiful Gate, a lame beggar—in rags and shame—calls out for money, for something, anything to ease his suffering.

Peter says, “Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have I give unto you.”

Such as I have.

They had no money. No extra food. No extra clothes.

But they had the Spirit of the Living God dwelling in them--a well of springing water that does not run dry.

They gave what they had. And what they had was pretty amazing: God’s Healing, His Grace, His Forgiveness.

I think of myself. My such as I have? Do I give it?

I scrape to give scarves and gloves and toothbrushes and food and toys to those in need this holiday season.

I even look for excuses to not give what I barely have, and I wonder what do I really have?

Am I poor?

Do I really have grace and forgiveness and the very Spirit of the Living God and the gifts that comes with that?

Because if I did, wouldn’t that be my such as I have? Wouldn’t it be my response in this season?

I think of churches. Food giveaways, conferences, soup lines, toy drives… and I wonder in this tight economic season where churches are foreclosing… where is the such as I have? Shouldn’t the Hope of the world be in abundance? Overflowing? Shouldn’t we see miracles here?

Okay, and I am totally not saying that all that aforementioned stuff is bad. It’s good! The Bible is clear about giving to the orphan, widow, and those in need. I guess I just recognize that I barely have anything of monetary value to give, and I let that be my excuse. I don’t give the one thing I should have in abundance.

And the cry of my heart this holiday season?

I am praying a crazy prayer. I want more God. I want my such as I have to be the abundance of grace, mercy, and the power of the Holy Spirit. I want to shake off fear and anything else that might hold me back. I want to relentlessly pursue the God of the whole universe. I want to live like I really know Him. I want to see God move in such a way I can’t take an ounce of credit.

I don't want to just do good. I want to do God-changing-lives.

And the craziest part of this:

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. (Matt 7:8)

You didn't choose Me, but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to You. (John 15:16)

So I ask you, what is your “such as I have?” And are you willing to give it this holiday season? And if you don't have it... are you willing to ask for it? 

I'd love to hear from you. If you don't want the "whole world" to see your response, maybe send it to me in an email? Just click the link in the top right hand corner of the page, reply to your email (if you subscribe by email), or email me at conqueringhousewife{at}the-cadence{dot}com. I have been working on a series about crazy obedience... it's a little terrifying but I SO want God and to see Him move. I'd love to know if anyone is right there with me.



By Grace,

Amanda



P.S. Email subscribers: big thank you for sticking with me through a season of my RSS email not working... and then my embarrassing little blunder. Your friendship (because truly I count readers as friends) is something I am so grateful for. Thanks for being on the journey with me. xo


Scripture Reference: Acts 3:1-10