I felt smothered by fear. I couldn’t catch my breath, and
as tears rolled one after another and my body heaved, I had this feeling the
only way out of this was a paper bag.
Maybe I was struggling to catch my breath because I’ve been
holding my breath for over a year waiting for the worst to happen. I don’t
understand this, this repeated miscarriage thing, and there isn’t anything I
can do to keep it from happening. Sure, there are natural remedies, doctors and
research, but really, I don’t have control over this.
So at that moment, when I was staring down the end of my
cycle and what seemed like certain doom, to either not be pregnant when I want
to be, or to be pregnant when I haven’t been able to stay pregnant… My life felt out of control. I was hunched over in my kitchen, knuckles white gripping the counter, and fear was hard-pressing a
pillow to my face.
The other night, we were walking up to the house, just me
and the kids. It was dark out. The kids thought they saw shadows and declared
there to be bad guys in our yard.
Two shaking voices in almost unison said, "Mom, I'm scared."
And then without even prompting him, Jed
begins reciting the Bible in his gruff voice that still can’t tackle the “r”
sound.
“The Lord is for me. I don’t have to be afraid.”
I’ve had my kids saying this verse (Psalm 118:6) since Addy
was three and decided the dark was scary. I would go into her room, pray with
her and we’d say this verse out loud. Sometimes I still hear her from her room,
shouting it, declaring it, fighting the darkness. {It melts my momma heart.}
And on this particular evening, when Jed said it with his
pure child's faith, it shined like a holy light on all the dark places in me.
And I had to ask myself, do I really believe that the Lord is for me? Because I
am afraid of losing, I am afraid of walking through another loss, I am afraid of
the doctor’s appointments and a doom and gloom verdict on my womb.
I want to be able to control this, make it better, but who in
the world can knit a life together in the dark of the womb other than God? I
can’t control this. I can’t make it happen. And apparently after having 3 of 4
pregnancies happen where I thought we were preventing pregnancy, I can’t keep
it from happening either. I have only to trust or to be crushed by fear.
Last Sunday in church, the pastor made mention of Christ’s
temptation in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11). The first two temptations Jesus faced aren’t just
about food and being carried by angels… they challenge the very identity of
Christ. If you are the Son of God. IF.
Isn’t that how I am being tempted? If you are dearly loved of the Lord, his adopted daughter and co-heir
with Christ, why isn’t He fulfilling His promise? Why do you keep losing?
And the lie that is at
the very core of it: surely the Lord isn’t for you; doesn’t really love you.
Every time Jesus is tempted He responds with the Word of
God. He picks up the same sword Paul exhorts us to use in Ephesians 6:17. It is written.
All of pieces of the armour of God help us to stand firm, to
be steadfast unshakable. The sword, which is His Word is the only thing by
which we can defeat the enemy, silence fear.
And can I just say this? We need to silence fear.
Because fear will rob you of your life. It will silence you, it will abort the woman you were made to be, it will destroy your relationships. Fear will trick you into trading living life to the full for the illusion of safety.
We need to stand and declare to the darkness exactly who God
says we are. That He is for us. And He is for that little life. I do not fully understand why miscarriage happens, but I don't have to. Trust and understanding do not go hand in hand. I can trust
anyways.
I wanted to make a short list of "It Is Written's" that we could use to call out to the darkness, pierce the fear. Because, sister, God is for us. And we don't have to be afraid. {At the end of this list, I have a link to a simple google document in case you want all these verses in one place where you can see them. I know I do.}
“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I
will help you” Isaiah 41:13.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified
because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you
nor forsake you” Deuteronomy 31:6.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do
not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” John 14:27.
“For you
have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but you have
received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father” Romans 8:15.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect
in love” 1 John 4:18.
“The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one
who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you
by his love; He will exult over you with loud singing” Zephaniah 3:17.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the
LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope”
Jeremiah 29:11.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they
comfort me” Psalm 23:4.
“And
we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who
have been called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the
brokenhearted and
to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the
time of the Lord’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger
against their enemies. To all who mourn
in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for
ashes, a joyous
blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be
like great oaks that
the Lord has planted for his own glory.”
Isaiah 61:1-3.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in
my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your
works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when
I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the
earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were
written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your
thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would
outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you” Psalm 139:13-18.
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by
name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When
you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through
the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume
you” Isaiah 43:1b-2.
“But as for
me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands” Psalm 31:14.
“The Lord is
near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are
the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all”
Psalm 34:18-19.
“Therefore
we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man
is being renewed day by day. Momentary, light affliction is producing for us an
eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things
which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things
which are not seen are eternal” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.
I made us a simple document to print out, if you want all
these verses in one spot. I am printing this out and taping this to my bathroom
mirror. I will be saying them daily, because I don't just need them on my mirror, I need them written on my heart. Just click ---> HERE<---for the document.
Do you have any verses to add to this list? I’d love it if
you’d share them with us.
By Grace,
Amanda Conquers
