Thankful Thursday #6

This week has been busy. I am feeling a bit swamped... no really, like one must wade through a pile of papers to get to the computer, a pile of laundry to sit on the couch, and a slew of toys to get, well, anywhere in this house. Welcome to the Swampland! My name is Amanda and I will be your tour guide. I will guide you through the thick of this marshy laundry pile. Do watch out for plastic dinosaurs and various miniature farm animals lurking beneath the surface. They've been known inflict great pain upon your toes...

(Yeah, it's late as I type this. I am a little weird. Hopefully, I am entertaining if nothing else... fingers crossed. ha!)

Needless to say, my thankful list is short. Mostly because I don't have the time to edit many pictures. I know you're understanding :)

#49 Eyes to see a teeny-tiny praying mantis nymph... and the wonder of a child at it.

#50 Watching a serious-faced little girl inhale the sweet goodness of fragrant little blossoms

 #51 Cherry juice lipstick

 #53 The way a carwash can create an intimate family moment... and monkey faces too.

 #54 The look of anticipation before I "get him" and the look of joy after I "get him."

#55 The simple fun of peek-a-boo and the way it never gets boring to a little boy :)

#56 3-year-old prayers. Addy's made-up mumble words when she prays and knowing God understands her heart.  (No picture but I wanted to share it. It was one of those "wow, I am doing something right as a parent" moments. Those need to be written down for the rough days. My little girl prays, and she loves to pray! Why? Because I started letting her sit with me when I pray... and started praying out loud in my car when I drive. I may want to be selfish and keep that time all to myself, but getting to listen to her prayers is a GOOD gift. I've taught her to pray! Heart Is Singing!)

Happy Thursday Friends :)

Amanda

Comparison: Dream Killer, and 3 Ways to Keep Your Dream Alive

The other night, I participated in my first ever “twitter party” in an effort to get out of my comfort zone and meet some other women who are doing the same thing I am. A twitter party is essentially a glorified chat room, with a host, a topic and a bunch of people madly carrying on conversations simultaneously... all using # and @ to identify topic and person. You blink and you could miss 20 tweets. I felt overwhelmed... like sick-to-my-stomach, I-have-no-clue-what-I'm-doing overwhelmed... or, to bring a whole new definition to the word of one wise old owl, “twitterpated”... extremely and completely twitterpated.

Yeah.

What came out of it was this incredible sense of self-doubt. I was amongst twitter-pros, blogging giants, women with experience, know-how, and followings greater than my own. Women who not only maintain a blog but write books as well... and raise a family.

I felt defeated, miniscule, silly, like the 7^th grade girl in the bathroom whose nightly prayer is for boobs and a period amongst girls all complaining about their times of the month and their bra straps. I am clueless, but so desperately want to be in the know. (Side note: Why, why, Amanda, did you pray so fervently for those things? Ha!)

Have you ever been there? You have a God-given dream in your heart and desire to pursue it. You pray, you fast, you step out... and then you find others with a similar dream doing what you want to do and doing it 100x's better. You can't help but look at them and wonder what in the world you are doing here. And maybe you even go so far as to wonder why God didn't give you the same measure of talent and overall awesomeness.

The day after the Twitter party, I made the blessed mistake of leaving my Bible within the reach of my son... the son with lightening fast reflexes who can clear a side table with the swipe of one arm. I came running as I saw the boy reach for the Bible, and by the time I got to him he had already made quick work of three pages. 

As I was putting the torn pages back into the Bible, my notes in the margins from ages past struck me. Big time.

God talked to me in my mess.

So let me give you a frame of reference for the notes:

Saul was the current and anointed King of Israel, but because he was disobedient God had appointed a new king to take his place, David. In this passage, David is running for his life from Saul who wants to kill him. My little revelations are from how David conducts himself when he finds Saul (who wants to KILL him, mind you) unarmed and completely helpless on two different occasions. Instead of killing Saul, David attempts to prove to Saul that he means no harm.

1 Samuel 24:6 “So [David] said to his men, 'Far be it from me because of the Lord that I should do this thing to [Saul], the Lord's anointed, to stretch out my hand against him, since he is the Lord's anointed'.”

my notes: It even bothered David to cut a piece of robe off of the one who was trying to kill him. David allowed God, who anointed them both, to be God.

David led by following God. He was NOT a man-pleaser. He didn't do what his men encouraged him to do... he sought God. Followed God.

1 Samuel 26:9 “But David said to Abishai, 'Do not destroy him, for who can stretch out his hand against the Lord's anointed and be without guilt?' David also said 'As surely as the Lord lives, surely the Lord will strike him, or his day will come that he dies, or he will go down in battle and perish'.”

my notes: Once again, DAVID ABSOLUTELY TRUSTS GOD. Be patient, honor God's way.

David knew that he was anointed to be King... that God had a plan and a purpose for his life. And David trusted God enough to bring it to pass.

In the pursuit of my dreams I have gotten worried

-that I am not enough

-that others are better than me

-that I don't know enough

-that I need to go about everything a better way

Comparison.

It's like the track runner who looks into the lane of his competitor and begins to accidentally step over into the other lane. A sprinter has to keep his eyes focused forward so that his foot-steps are sure. A sprinter has to run his own race... in his own lane.

Photo Source

Ultimately, comparison will dis-qualify you from your God-dream. And reminder: it is God who does the qualifying in the first place.

David knew that God had chosen him to be king. He knew that Saul was still king. He knew he had to wait. He knew that God was going to work it out. He knew that he could trust God.

And there it is.

He knew that he could trust God.

He could trust God to destroy his enemy (by the way in case you are following the parallel of my circumstance or even yours... other women bloggers are not my enemies. Those with similar dreams are not your enemies. But if there is an obstacle, know that God will see you through it).

Three things to learn from David about God-given dreams:

David knew that he could trust God's word for his life. He was called. Anointed. He never questions this.

David knew that he could trust God's timing. David might have wanted it to be time, instead of running for his life. But he waited. He didn't try to rush God. Be patient and honor God's Way.

David knew that he could trust that all the waiting was full of purpose and just as important as the dream itself. David grew so much in that time of running for his life. He might not have seen it at the time, but he became a sure-footed, strong leader who trusted God fully. Also, during this time God gave David allies in his hiding places, a smoking hot wife named Abigail, children, and mighty and faithful men whose loyalty and friendship stayed with him during his reign as King. This time of my life may not be the most productive in terms of writing and pursuing the God dreams in my heart... but they are important, wonderful, purposeful, needful... and who am I anyways to determine what productive is? Is it not a God-dream that I pursue? This husband, these kids, this home, all that I am here and now IS the dream, don't miss it by looking at what other people are doing with their lives. Different people. Different times of their lives. Enjoy the NOW. Live in the NOW. Thrive in the NOW.

And Trust God.

No really, Amanda, TRUST GOD.

Run YOUR race. Be the woman you were called to be. Trust God, His Word and His timing. Know that HE will make a way.

I've got a post, maybe a couple, in the works about pursuing dreams... somethings God has totally downloaded into this brain. If you want to know how to pursue your dreams, do return!

Amanda

Thankful Thursday #5

Ever have weeks that aren't very busy and you aren't being lazy, but it seems you are unable to get anything accomplished?? Hi, welcome to my week. It's been full of moments that required a whole lot of joy-seeking and gratitude-giving. But, you know, joy is always worth the fight, and, yes, I think sometimes it is a fight.

One rough day VS. Joy...  And only Amanda can decide who will win.
A kitchen that looks like it's been raining cocoa powder and frosting globs (you know, in writing that out I actually think that is something that is easy to be thankful for... kitchen of yum-making), a shredded scouring pad, a curious and quick son coated in blue dust, blood, a brand new dress soaking in oxy clean, 20 minutes late to deliver the surprise happy birthday love for an amazing couple, and candles forgotten. And now so thankful for the grace in the matter: it looked much worse than it was. So thankful for a distance to drive, that while it may not help with my timeliness issues, it surely allows me the chance to breathe and commune with Christ. So thankful for grace-giving people, for my 2 beautiful kids, for 2 lane roads, the beauty of my country drive, and for remembering that on a long list of to-do's, my kids should always win my attention.  And Grace! Thank you God for Your Grace!


#41 For creative names straight from a little girl's imagination and a stuffed animal that's important enough to insist that we take the time necessary to ensure it's safety. Hello World, meet Dawson The Tiger [insert our last name here].

 #42 Empty laundry baskets and new ways of wearing make up.

 #43 Clapping for the vacuum.

#44 Busy helpers.

#45 Simultaneous zerbils and "stacks on dads"

#46 Wet eyebrows and gapped-teeth grins

#47 This sight at the end of our long grocery shopping day: precious and unprompted sibling love.

#48 The chance to relive a particular time in my life when it made perfect sense to have a butterfly mommy, a lizard daddy, a cat sister and a dog brother in the same family.

Happy Thursday friends!
I may have another post for you later today. My mom is coming to watch the kids so I can have time BY MYSELF. Whoo-hoo. I have big plans for my laptop and a comfy chair at Panera bread. We'll see how it goes. Inspiration has not been lacking. (I think I have a good 3 posts in the brain and 2 posts in the laptop unfinished.... and maybe even enough idea for a book) Time is lacking. But, that's okay. I get to choose how to spend my time and Addy and Jed WIN! :)

Amanda

Thankful Thursday #4

#30 Sunsets in clear skies

#31 Life friends- even though we may not live close to each other or speak often, we are always able to pick up right where we left off as though no time had passed. Oh and for hikes and friends that will help you carry your child.

#32 Mike's random days off. Few and far between, but oh how we savor them when it happens.

#33 The little girl who takes her own path.

#34 Not only did make God big, beautiful, and bright flowers, He also made teeny-tiny, intricately-wrought flowers. I am in amazement.

#35 Man. While this girl stops and smells the flowers, this man gets out his knife and sees how fast he can cut them down. I am in amazement at how different the two sexes are.

#36 The 20 minutes of entertainment this little guy provided.

#37 Papa's helper

#38 The moment she started goofing off and got her Papa wet.

#39 Truck bed sand box? Who needs a sand box when Papa's truck has a pile of sand in it (for his garden)?!

#40 My grandma. And the chance for my kids to get to know her. Also, her fried chicken and biscuits and gravy.

Wishing you all a wonderful end to your weeks and many things to be thankful for.
xo
Amanda

My Mom, Warrior

I was 12 years old. I came home in a terrible mood; my 6th grade crush had crushed my heart. That evening I fought with my siblings, had an outburst at dinner, and fled to the safety of my room and pillow.

My mom followed me.

She asked what was wrong. I refused to share at first, but after my mom's calm refusal to go anywhere till I opened up my wounded heart for her to see the damage, I finally cried out: "I am ugly. No boys will ever like me."

Deep guttural sobs immediately ensued my confession. I was ugly. No boys would ever like me.

My mom tried to comfort. "I think you're beautiful. You are so smart. You are a great friend. I like you..."

"Your my mom! You have to say that!" I snapped back.

"But I really think that." She softly said. I let out a big "humph" and continued to cry.

She paused. Contemplated. All of a sudden, as though a wave of conviction fell over her, she stood tall, put her hand on her hip, and declared, "Oh no! No! That's enough of that!"

She dragged me in, most likely by the shoulder of my shirt, stood me in front of the bathroom mirror and made me list off everything I liked about myself.  "You are not leaving until you list off at least 10 things you like about yourself."

I cried. "But I don't like myself. There isn't 10 things!"

"Well, we aren't leaving until you do, no matter how long it takes."

I think it took at least an hour, maybe two--an hour full of tears and determination to not like myself, an hour that my mom could have been spent doing dishes, giving my 5 year old sister a bath, getting my little brother to complete his homework, an hour that could have been devoted to a great many things other than dealing with a 12 year old whose body was racked with unpredictable hormones that were not yet regulated to a monthly cycle.

My mom fought for my self worth. She fought for it against a raging tide of prepubescence and words like "I hate myself. My nose is too pointy. My chest is so flat." She fought for it even when my own words attacked her "Why can't we shop at better stores? I hate my clothes! You never pick out cute stuff."

She calmly waited for me to realize that I wasn't leaving that bathroom until I got to 10 positive things. She was resolved to see this through no matter how hard I fought. She gently guided me through the "Why? Why don't they like me? What is wrong with me?"

My mom's soft response: "God has a plan for you, Amanda. You are a priceless treasure. And I pray that He sets you apart, keeps you hidden from all the wrong boys."

"Could you please stop praying that?" The tenseness in my voice and body slowly leaving.

"No." Simple yet resolute.

Deep Sigh. I realized I couldn't win. "I guess my eye color is alright."

My mom fought for ME.

My mom is a warrior.

I remember the woman who fearlessly called a group of gossiping moms who were from the private school I grew up at. For some reason, they were discussing all over our small town how I was pregnant and sleeping around. I was barely 14. My mom hates confrontation, but she wielded a shield and sword that day on my behalf. She was shaking, but her words were firm. She fought for me. I remember the woman who shamelessly called after me and my prom date, "And no sex you two!" I was mortified, and she knew it. But she also knew what was on that boy's mind. She cared more for my purity and my future than she did my comfort. She fought for me. I remember the night my mom found out I was cutting again. She demanded that I get on my knees with her and pray at that instant or she was driving me to the psych ward and having me committed. I tried to refuse both options. I wanted to run from the problem. I fought her so hard. I know I screamed at her and said all manner of horrible things. But my mom fought harder.

My mom is a warrior.

She never actually fought me. She fought FOR me. Fought for my purpose, my sense of self worth, and for my future. She was the gardener fighting for the young sapling against pestilence, disease, strong winds, weeds and vermin until my roots went down deep enough to stand on my own.

I don't think words could adequately put the gratitude I have for you, Mom. I can only rise up and do the same for my kids. Writing this out challenges me to be an Ephesians 6 kind of mom... in full armor fighting FOR my kids.

Thank you for fighting for me, Mom!

Amanda

What Doubt is Really About

Have you ever felt left out... or forgotten? Have you ever felt like you didn't quite fit... you know, the whole square peg, round hole thing? Maybe quirky (which really is just a nice word to describe strange and downright weird)? Unrelated to? Awkward?  Have you ever felt insignificant or severely under-appreciated?

I know I have. A lot. Especially lately.

A couple nights ago I was struggling with that very thing: feeling like I didn't belong and had no friends. The feelings begging the question: what is wrong with me? Why don't I fit? My mom happened to be leading our women's Bible study that night. (Side note: My mom is pretty much awesome. I LOVE HER!) She spoke on "Doubting Thomas." I had never in my life heard the story told quite like she told it.

Thomas was one of the 12 disciples. Jesus chose him. He had a place. After Jesus died and rose again, all of the disciples were hanging out and Jesus appeared to them for the first time. Their casual get together became an amazing time with the Lord. He blessed them. He shared with them.

Thomas wasn't there. He didn't get included. The disciples later run up to him and gush about the amazing time they had, how Jesus was there, and how Jesus did and said all these incredible things. Thomas's response was something along the lines of "I won't believe it till I see it." Thomas crosses his arms and his heart defiantly refusing to be apart of the "Jesus is Alive" club that he felt rejected from. When he finally does see Jesus, Jesus calls him out on his doubt. (John 20:19-29)

But here's the thing. Perhaps it is that Thomas didn't doubt that Jesus was the Christ, but rather that he had a place in Christ. Perhaps, he got all upset at being the only one that was left out, that he was ready to throw the whole Jesus-is-the-Christ thing out... all because the disciples forgot to include him. Perhaps he felt like the one disciple that just didn't quite fit, didn't deserve to make the cut, the one always over-looked, under-appreciated and constantly forgotten.

Perhaps Thomas really doubted God's love... that God made him wonderful, unique and with a specific purpose... that God saw him, flaws and all, and loved him.

Perhaps, my nobody-likes-me, what-is-wrong-with-me pity party is really me full of doubt and disbelief. Perhaps I doubt that I have a place. I doubt that God loves me. That He made me like, well, me for a specific reason.

I doubt. And instead of trusting that God loves me and has a plan for my life, I want to throw it away and be like someone else.

I can't believe I missed this! As a teacher and children's pastor, I was a pit bull about each child knowing that God loved them and had a specific plan for their life. I am a pit bull now for the same cause with my children. You want to make me super angry? Try sending a message to children that they are less than because they learn a different way than most kids, or by sending a message that the only way, or the best way to serve God is inside the church in a position of vocational ministry. RAWR! Yep, I will rawr at you. I know that God made each one of us unique. He gave us a different way to process the world. Some we label extroverts, some we label introverts, some we labels ADD, some we label free-spirits, some we label type-A, some we label slow... we have a lot of labels. But regardless of the label, God has a specific plan. He sees the evangelist in the extrovert, the deep-thinker in the introvert, the tireless-doer-of-many-things in the person with ADD, the outside-the-box thinker in the free-spirit, the get-things-done-and-get-others-doing-them-too in the type A... God has a plan! YOU HAVE A PLACE IN GOD.

Amanda. You have a place in God.

You. Just the way you are.

I love Jesus' response to the disciples on the matter (Matthew 28:16-20). Instead of getting on to the disciples and telling them to play nice and play fair ("Boys, you really need to make sure you include Thomas."), He sends out His great commission, "Go into all the world making disciples..." Stop worrying about what people think and whether you fit and how included you are, and go make some disciples. Instead of worrying about who isn't texting you, be the one texting that person who is struggling words of encouragement. Instead of worrying about who hasn't invited you to the play date at the park, grab some people and invite them out yourself. Be a disciple-maker instead of a pity-party thrower.

And as it turns out, when you get busy doing God's work, you find you have a place after all.

He loves you! You have a place in HIM!

Thankful Thursday #3

Yesterday, I embarked upon my last year before I turn 30. For some reason it feels like I just got diagnosed with some illness and have a year to live. I am finding myself wanting to go on bucket-list adventures, my procrastinated attempt to get all my living in before 30. NO AMANDA life does not end at 30!!! I would just like to formally apologize for all my careless encouragement to all the friends who have gone before me in this growing older journey: "29 and feeling fine" and "one year before 30 flirty and thriving," I so don't feel "fine" and definitely not flirty. Oh well, another year. I will eat my words and just be thankful. Another year of life! Thank you God for another year of life: of wildflowers, baby toddles, neck squeezes, back rubs, chocolate, and friendship... LIFE! Another year of it! Hooray!

After all the messes of last week, this week was pretty blah... and I mean that in a really good way!

I am grateful for...

Grandpas and grandkids on front porches,

3 year old conversations with a wise grandpa,

Rusty old farm equipment resting in green grass, 

My dad's love for gardening... and whatever a "hot dog" is... it just simply has to grow into something wonderful with a name like that,

 Easy preschool time on the bathroom mirror and the little girl who can create a person out of shapes,

 Fresh crayons with sharp tips and paper covers still intact,

 peek-a-boo happiness around the high chair,

 and funny scrunchy faces,

the little girl who exclaimed to her dad, "Look at my BU-tiful flower bow, Dad!" "I need to take a picture of it!" Awe! She's trying to create stuff with measuring tape and take pictures of it... she's trying to be like me!

Photo courtesy of Addy.

 and the little girl who has no problem acting silly with me!

AHHH! Sorry if I scared ya! That's a pretty intense face. Sometimes ya just gotta get on the floor with your kids, throw your hair up, bug out your eyes, and yell.

Happy Day to you friends!

Amanda